a small dose of reality

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) used the announcement of his vice-presidential pick, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin,  to blast the experience of his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill), arguing that Sen. Obama has never been the mayor of a 5,000-person town.
"The Presidency of the United States of America is the toughest job on the planet," Sen. McCain said.  "And my friends, the best testing ground for that job is being the mayor of a 5,000-person town in Alaska."
Sen. McCain unleashed a savage attack on Sen. Obama, claiming that his Democratic opponent would be "at a loss" when faced with the challenges of running a 5000-person municipality in Alaska.
"Let's say a constituent calls you and says that a caribou has wandered onto his front lawn," he said.  "My friends, Barack Obama wouldn't know what to do."
He used the hypothetical situation to draw a sharp contrast with his vice-presidential choice: "Sarah Palin would take out her gun and shoot the caribou."
Mr. McCain said that an understanding of foreign affairs, Congress, and other issues that a president has to deal with is "overrated," adding, "That's what ‘Presidency for Dummies' is for."
While saying that her "vast experience" was the main reason he selected Gov. Palin, Sen. McCain said that she also had the other three qualifications he was looking for in a vice president: "She is pro-life, pro-drilling, and willing to housesit."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.

The "filler" columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space -- meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.

And rather than doing any original writing, the slothful columnists will rely on so-called "experts" to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say.

"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert in the field of filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."

The typical "filler" column is often a reprint of a previously published column, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the 2008 Beijing Olympics, to disguise this fact.

And in order to fill up space even faster, Crimmins says, the lazy beach-bound columnist will compose his summer "filler" columns with short paragraphs.

Many of these paragraphs will be as short as one sentence, he says.

"Or shorter," he adds.

There are other telltale signs a reader can look for in order to determine whether a writer has, in fact, filed a so-called "filler" column, according to Crimmins.

One of these is a tendency to repeat information that the reader has already read earlier in the article, with columnists even stooping to using the same quote twice.

"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," Crimmins says.

Another tip-off is if the column ends abruptly.

Former President Bill Clinton's speech at the Democratic National Convention in Denver Wednesday night will be broadcast on a five-second delay similar to that used to screen callers on talk radio programs, party officials confirmed today.
The five-second delay, customarily used to censor callers who might use profanity or other unacceptable speech on a radio show, has never before been used in the broadcast of a speech by a former President of the United States, experts believe.
But convention planners, nervous that Mr. Clinton might depart from his prepared remarks in an unacceptable way, said that they were using the delay "just in case."
"We hope and expect that Bill Clinton will give a stirring and perfectly acceptable speech, by broadcast standards," said DNC chairman Howard Dean.  "However, if we see his face turning red and his forehead starting to throb, we'll be there to pull the plug."
For his part, former President Clinton said that he was "surprised" by the DNC's decision to institute the five-second delay, but added, "It's just like those motherfuckers."

In what might be his most controversial attack ad in a campaign dominated by them, presumptive G.O.P. presidential nominee John McCain today launched a new TV spot attacking Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill)'s two children.
According to political insiders, a negative ad targeting a rival's offspring is highly unorthodox, especially when the children in question are under the age of ten.
But after the two Obama kids scored in their performance on national television last night at the Democratic convention, "we had to do something to give the American people some straight talk on those two brats," Sen. McCain said today.
In the ad, which is being broadcast in key swing states, an announcer intones, "They're the cutest children in the world - but are they ready to lead?"
The spot uses visuals to link the two Obama kids to other famously cute kids, such as the young Drew Barrymore and the Cabbage Patch dolls.
The commercial goes on to blast the Obama children for "smiling and giggling but refusing to state their position on offshore oil drilling."
While some critics questioned how well the ad would play in living rooms across America, Sen. McCain defended it, telling reporters, "It played very well in all of my living rooms."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Presumptive first lady nominee Cindy McCain responded to a reporter's question today about how many half-sisters she had by saying that she was "unsure" about the exact number but would have "a staff member look into it."
Ms. McCain's claims of being an only child were clouded this week by revelations that she has at least two heretofore unmentioned half-sisters, leading to reporters' queries as to whether more undisclosed half-siblings were waiting in the wings.
When a reporter from the Toledo Blade asked Mrs. McCain at a campaign stop in Ohio about how many half-sisters she had, she looked momentarily startled by the question before handing it off to a staff member.
Mrs. McCain's uncertainty about the precise tally of her siblings, coming on the heels of her husband's confusion about the number of the couples' homes, might not be as big a problem for the McCain campaign as some might expect, says Davis Logsdon, professor of economics at the University of Minnesota.
"As long as the couple has more homes than half-sisters, they could easily house one of the half-sisters in each of the residences and keep them happy," Dr. Logsdon says.  "However, if the number of half-sisters grows faster than the number of homes, that could potentially lead to crowding."
For his part, Sen. McCain said that the campaign would provide a "guesstimate" of how many half-sisters and homes the couple has by the end of next week: "Right now, we're trying to put it all on a spreadsheet."

In a potentially ominous sign for the presumptive Democratic nominee, a new poll shows Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) trailing far behind G.O.P. standard bearer Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) among voters who identify themselves as racists.
Pundits and pollsters alike have wondered about the role racists might play in the 2008 presidential contest, but the new survey released today was the first concrete attempt to take the pulse of this key voting bloc.
The poll, conducted by Duh Magazine, suggests that Mr. Obama faces an uphill battle in his effort to win the votes of dyed-in-the-wool bigots.
"We wanted to know, why isn't Barack Obama closing the deal among racists?" said Charles Plugh, editor-in-chief of Duh.  "The answer seems to be, because he's black."
In a head-to-head match-up, likely bigots chose Sen. McCain over Sen. Obama by a margin of one thousand to one, with a majority of racists saying they "strongly disagree" with Sen. Obama's decision not to be white.
Asked under what conditions they would conceivably vote for a black presidential candidate, 95% of racists responded, "Only if he was running against someone from a group I hated even more, such as Arabs."
Duh editor Plugh says the poll indicates that Sen. Obama "has his work cut out for him" if he is going to make up lost ground among racists.
"Sen. Obama made a choice at the beginning of this campaign to run as a black man," Mr. Plugh said.  "He could change his position on that, but racists might see that as too little, too late."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

China's impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that "abnormally high levels of lead" were found in the first-place medallions.
The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99% lead alloy and coated with a gold-colored lead-based paint.
The shocking revelations roiled the Olympic complex today and sent officials looking for answers from the Chinese manufacturer of the medals, the Wuhan One Hundred Percent Gold Medal Corporation.
"We are trying to determine how exactly so much lead got into those gold medals," said a spokesman for Wuhan, China's largest exporter of gold medals.  "Until we do, we are urging all first-place athletes not to lick, taste or suck on their medals."
The news about the potentially toxic gold medals spread panic among Olympic champions, especially U.S. swimming phenom Michael Phelps.
"I am very, very concerned about my extensive contact with gold medals," Mr. Phelps told reporters.  "But what am I supposed to do?  Stop being so awesome?"
In other Olympic news, China's hopes for winning more medals in women's gymnastics were dashed when one of their leading gymnasts vanished down a bathtub drain on Tuesday.
Immediately after Jiang Qimin's disappearance, Beijing authorities launched a search for the acclaimed seven-pound athlete.
Jiang had been the subject of speculation earlier this week as many foreign observers doubted China's claims that the two-foot-tall gymnast was sixteen years old.
In an interview with NBC's Bob Costas on Monday, Jiang sparked controversy with this response to a question about her age: "I want my sippy cup."

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tracy Klujian, the expelled diver, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic diving team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.

"Had Tracy been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us," a diving team spokesman told reporters. "However, he was not."

According to sources close to the diving team, Mr. Klujian had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle class family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.

But what may have sealed Mr.Klujian's doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.

"Tracy did his best to hide his background from team officials," one source said. "But when the truth came out, he was finished."

Speaking to reporters in Beijing, NBC Sports chief Dick Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Mr. Klujian's actions "a reprehensible betrayal."

"We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can't catch everything," Mr. Ebersol said. "This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Just minutes after former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted having an extramarital affair during the 2008 campaign, The National Enquirer published potentially explosive photos of an infant with a $400 haircut.
 
Even as Mr. Edwards denied fathering a love-child with a former campaign aide, the photos of the expensively coiffured tot raised fresh questions about his honesty.
 
Prominent haircut experts who have studied the Enquirer photos said that the resemblance between the baby’s hairdo and that of the former North Carolina senator was striking.
 
“This is such a close match, I think it eliminates the need for a paternity test,” said haircut expert Carol Foyler.  “This would be a slam-dunk on 'Maury.'”
 
Ms. Foyler said there was only a “one in a million chance” that someone other than Mr. Edwards had fathered the child in the Enquirer photo: “The only other man who’s wealthy enough to give his baby a $400 haircut is Donald Trump, and that baby would have a comb-over.”
 
For his part, Mr. Edwards attempted to regain the high road, telling reporters, “I still believe there are two Americas, and I have had a sexual relationship in each of them.”

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation’s assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.
 
For years, America’s assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones – while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street – regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.
 
But with a new doctor’s warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.
 
Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been “inseparable” for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.
 
“I didn’t think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, I’m going to have to kiss it goodbye,” he said.  “This totally sucks.”
 
When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, “I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me – that was awesome.”
 
Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nation’s douchebags.
 
“Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this,” Dr. Logsdon said.  “All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes.”

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website