a small dose of reality

keeping it semi real, promoting conservatives, taking potshots at fools, democrats other than Obama, liberals, the left, know it alls, the dnc, etc., reviews of models, pundits and blogs

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. 

William F. Buckley, Jr.

2008/9/29

McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer

@ 01:10 AM (70 months, 11 days ago)

 

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.
According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain watched his running mate's performance in a series of interviews with CBS's Katie Couric.
"Good Lord, a startled deer could do better than that," Sen. McCain reportedly said, prompting his aides to draw up a shortlist of startled deer.
The Arizona senator supposedly brushed aside concerns that a startled deer would wilt under the pressure of a televised debate, telling aides, "At least a goddamn deer won't go on about Alaska being close to Russia."
The McCain campaign said today that Sen. McCain's new running mate, Bucky the Red Deer, would not be made available to the press prior to the debate.
"Bucky is very much a work in progress," said McCain campaign manager Rick Davis. "Right now we're working on keeping him from bolting off the stage."
Bucky's opponent in the upcoming debate, Delaware senator Joseph Biden, appeared today to be trying to manage expectations for the high-stakes face-off with his four-legged rival.
"Bucky the Red Deer is articulate, bright and clean," Sen. Biden said.  "That's storybook, man."

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

 

2008/9/25

McCain Supports Bailing Out of Debate

@ 01:18 AM (70 months, 15 days ago)

 

Saying that "desperate times call for desperate measures," GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he would personally bail out of Friday's scheduled presidential debate.
"As of today, I am officially bailing out of the debate," Sen. McCain told reporters in Washington today.  "And I invite Sen. Obama to join me in this bailout effort."
Sen. McCain said he would be putting together what he called "a comprehensive debate bailout package," which could include bailing out of the other two scheduled debates as well.
When asked what motivated his dramatic bailout proposal, Sen. McCain said, "When I woke up this morning and I saw those terrible numbers, I knew that a bailout was necessary to keep those numbers from getting worse."
Mr. McCain refused to answer a reporter's question about whether he was talking about economic numbers or poll numbers, saying, "I am bailing out of any response to that question."
GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she would join in her running mate's bailout effort by bailing out of her debate with Delaware senator Joseph Biden.

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website


In a campaign stop in Michigan, Gov. Palin detailed a series of bold initiatives, including building a twenty-foot-high fence between her and the press.

2008/9/21

McCain Proposes Sending Troops to South America to Invade Spain

@ 11:46 PM (70 months, 18 days ago)

 

GOP presidential nominee John McCain said today that if elected he would send U.S. troops to South America in order to invade "one of America's deadliest enemies," Spain.
Sen. McCain accused Spain of "picking a fight" with the U.S. in recent days, but warned that their "aggression and bellicosity will not stand."
"Spain can run, but it cannot hide," he told his audience at a rally in St. Louis.  "I am fully prepared to invade Spain, and if that means sending troops to South America, where Spain is located, then so be it."
The Arizona senator seemed momentarily caught off-guard when a reporter suggested that Spain might be located in Europe, and not in South America, but Mr. McCain soon shot back, calling the reporter's comment "naïve."
"That's the old kind of thinking that I'm going to change when I get to Washington," Sen. McCain said.  "My friends, when I am President, I will redraw the map."
His running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, agreed with Sen. McCain's placement of Spain on the world map, telling the St. Louis crowd that "Spain is much closer than any of us realize."

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

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"If you stand on the southern border of Mexico and get up on your tippy-toes, you can practically see it," she said.

2008/9/17

McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair

@ 09:45 PM (70 months, 22 days ago)

 

In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."
"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience in Dayton, Ohio.  "It's time to send a message to those in power - those Republicans in Washington, those old white men with their combed-over white hair."
Sen. McCain went on to attack the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."
"The time has come to say enough is enough to those rich old white men," he said.  "And the same goes to their zombie-like trophy wives who plaster their makeup on like trollops."
Responding to the nation's economic turmoil, Sen. McCain said that as President he would create millions of jobs "by putting Americans to work making negative ads."
"We no longer lead the world in manufacturing cars, steel, or computers," Sen. McCain said.  "But our negative ad industry is second to none."
In other economic news, President Bush announced another massive bailout today, saying that he had completed a deal for China to buy the United States in its entirety.
"This was a difficult deal to pull off," Mr. Bush acknowledged.  "The hard part was identifying the parts of the U.S. that China didn't already own."

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

 

2008/9/11

Palin Uses Magic 8-Ball in ABC Interview

@ 11:05 PM (70 months, 28 days ago)

 

GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."
"Charlie brought his A-game, that's for darn sure," Gov. Palin said after her interview.  "That's why it's a good thing I had my Magic 8-Ball with me."
During the interview broadcast on ABC, the Alaska governor was seen shaking her Magic 8-Ball after each question before responding to Mr. Gibson.
All in all, Gov. Palin responded to over eighty of the ABC newsman's questions with only three answers, believed to be a record for a nationally broadcast interview with a major political figure.
"Terrorists are hell-bent on destroying us," Gov. Palin said no fewer than nineteen times.
"I believe that America must do what we can to be strong," she said fifteen times.
"Reply hazy - try again," she said nine times.
Occasionally, she attempted an adlib, usually the word "Charlie," which she used over one thousand times.
All in all, Gov. Palin said she was "pleased as punch" by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia.
When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, "My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God."
On the campaign trail, GOP presidential nominee John McCain said he was "thrilled" with Gov, Palin's performance, adding that she would be shipped to Alaska and frozen in a block of ice for the remainder of the campaign.

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

2008/9/9

Kim Jong-Il: "McCain Chose WHO?"

@ 09:18 PM (71 months, 4 hours ago)

 

Amid swirling rumors that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il suffered a recent stroke, sources close to the diminutive madman revealed that his collapse occurred shortly after he learned of GOP presidential nominee John McCain's selection of a running mate.
"McCain chose WHO?" Kim reportedly said just before the onset of the stroke, sources confirmed.
According to one member of Kim's inner circle, "He was totally blindsided by the choice - he really thought McCain was going to go with Pawlenty."
The North Korean dictator, known for his secretiveness and insanity, was staggered by the selection of Alaska governor Sarah Palin, the source said: "This was more secretive and insane than anything he's ever done."
While the source did not indicate the prognosis for Kim's recovery, he said that if the mercurial dictator does regain consciousness his aides would be careful not to say anything that could cause a relapse.
"We're definitely not telling him about Levi," he said.

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

2008/9/7

Pitbull Owners Blast Palin

@ 10:21 PM (71 months, 2 days ago)

 

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pitbull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in the upcoming election, the nation's pitbull owners.
While Gov. Palin's assertion that the only difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull was "lipstick" drew a loud ovation from the Republican faithful in St. Paul, it raised the ire of the Pitbull Anti-Defamation League, a powerful association of pitbull fanciers who monitor the portrayal of pitbulls in the media.
"As someone who has owned pitbulls for the past twenty years, my jaw dropped," said Carol Foyler, the group's executive director.  "Most of us are thinking the same thing: enough is enough."
Ms. Foyler said that for pitbull owners who have grown weary of their prized dogs being defamed and mistreated, Gov. Palin's wisecrack was the last straw: "We're all like, first the Michael Vick thing, and now this."
Tracy Klugian, an irate pitbull owner from Buffalo, New York, echoed Ms. Foyler's sentiments: "I can think of many differences between pitbulls and Gov. Palin - for starters, pitbulls don't try to get their ex-brothers-in-law fired."
With Sens. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and John McCain (R-Ariz) fighting for every last vote, a coveted voting bloc like pitbull owners could very well decide the 2008 election, political insiders believe.
While Gov. Palin was not available for comment on the pitbull controversy, a spokesperson for the McCain-Palin ticket offered this official statement: "Gov. Palin does in fact have one thing in common with a pitbull: neither is capable of answering questions from reporters."

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

 

2008/9/6

Levi Johnston's Convention Diary

@ 12:55 AM (71 months, 4 days ago)

 

Dear Dude,


There is some seriously WEIRD FUCKIN SHIT goin on up in here!!!
So I get off the plane in Minnesota and the first thing I know some creepy old dude who smells like my grandma is gettin up in my grille.  I am totally goin to give him a righteous beat-down and then I see it's that John McCain dude from TV who's always approvin his fuckin message.
So I give him this look like, "Don't get in my face or I will SERIOUSLY fuck you up," and dude looks back at me like, "I've ate Viet Cong bigger than you for breakfast."  So I like totally back off.  Dude, if I'm gonna get fucked up no way am I gonna get fucked up by someone older than Larry King.
Things go from weird to fuckin WEIRD AS ALL SHIT as I get like the totally evil eye from Bristol's old man Todd who looks like he wants to shove an oil pipeline up my fuckin ass.  Shit, I said I'd marry her, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude???  Back off or I'll fuck you up.
So I TOTALLY try to stay out of the way of Bristol's mom, who looks like she's gonna go medieval on my ass, like do me way worse than that trooper she got canned.  For a minute I feel like I am TOTALLY GOING TO SHIT MYSELF, but than I think of thoughts to calm me down, like that time in middle school when I fucked that guy up who tried to fuck with me.
Dude, the one thing I don't like understand at all is why Bristol's mom even WANTS to be fuckin vice-president and all.  Right now, being Governor of Alaska and shit, she could totally invade Russia if she wanted to.  It's that fuckin close.
With all this crazy shit going on I didn't even like get a chance to talk to Bristol.  I wanted to ask her how her summer was, shit like that, but every time I opened my mouth that McCain dude gave me another look like, "You say word one and I will rearrange your fuckin face you fuckin piece of hockey shit."  So I don't say a fuckin thing.
Gotta go now.  One thing's for sure, dude - when this week is over I am totally getting wasted!!!!!


Peace out,


L to the J

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

 

2008/9/4

GOP Campaign Increasingly Resembling Unproduced Goldie Hawn Film

@ 10:26 PM (71 months, 5 days ago)

 

The GOP campaign for the White House is looking more and more like the screenplay for an unproduced Goldie Hawn film from the 1980's, a Goldie Hawn film expert said today.
 
Davis Logsdon, who teaches at the University of Minnesota's School of Film and is considered the world's foremost expert in the cinema of Goldie Hawn, said that in choosing Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate Sen. John McCain was taking a leaf from an unproduced Hawn vehicle from 1984 titled "Contestant in Chief."
 
"In the screenplay, an evil presidential candidate chooses the American he thinks is the least likely to catch on to his nefarious plans to destroy the country," Professor Logsdon said.  "Enter Goldie, a former beauty pageant contestant, small-town mayor and hockey mom."

 
In keeping with the formula of Goldie Hawn movies in the 1980's, "She turns out to be smarter than she looks and exposes her running mate on national TV, becoming President herself in the process."
But Professor Logsdon cautioned that in the case of this year's GOP ticket, life will probably imitate art only up to a point: "In real life, if Gov. Palin becomes President she will most likely ban abortions, destroy wildlife habitats and blow up the world."
 
Elsewhere, Gov. Palin said she was looking forward to the vice-presidential debate, or as she called it, "the talent competition."

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

 

2008/9/3

Palin Blames Daughter's Pregnancy on Media

@ 04:14 PM (71 months, 6 days ago)

 

Coming out on the offensive after a day of controversy, presumptive GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that the media was to blame for making her daughter Bristol pregnant.
"My husband and I are well aware that Bristol is pregnant, and we know who made her that way -- the media," she told reporters in Pittsburgh.
It has become common in presidential campaigns for candidates to lash out against the news media, but Gov. Palin's attack was the first known example of a politician blaming the media for her daughter's pregnancy.
Gov. Palin went on to say that since the media had made her daughter pregnant, it was now up to the media to "do the right thing and marry her."
Moments after the governor's statement, the National Enquirer said that it would marry Bristol Palin in exchange for exclusive rights to the wedding photos and the first pictures of the baby.
The Enquirer's proposal was just one of several positive developments for Gov. Palin, who today picked up the endorsement of Unplanned Parenthood.

 

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website