a small dose of reality

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama will use his thirty-minute infomercial tonight to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs," the Obama campaign confirmed today.

While most political insiders assumed that Sen. Obama would use the costly airtime to attempt to "close the deal" with the American people, few expected him to include the promise of a sculpted midsection as the keystone of his closing argument.

"This is an issue that cuts across all voting blocs - Democrats, Republicans, independents, you name it," said Obama strategist David Axelrod.  "Everyone wants well-defined, shredded abs."

In a clip of the infomercial released to the press, Sen. Obama appears in spandex exercise wear and demonstrates his ab-sculpting machine, called the "Obamaciser."

"America, you're probably asking yourselves, ‘Can we really have rock-hard abs?'" Sen. Obama says.  "Repeat after me: Yes we can."

As Sen. Obama prepared to unveil his revolutionary ab-blasting system, the McCain campaign was rocked by reports that a top McCain adviser referred to his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, as "a psycho douchebag."

The controversial comment came one day after a top Palin adviser compared Sen. McCain to "the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernie's,' only less lively."

Sen. McCain tried to draw attention away from the internecine brouhaha today by announcing that if elected, he would name Joe the Plumber Secretary of State.

"Joe the Plumber is eminently qualified," Sen. McCain told a crowd in Toledo, Ohio.  "A hell of a lot more qualified than that psycho douchebag."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Half-minute Hiatus Causes Alarm in Campaign

Obama campaign officials today were trying to get to the bottom of a technical glitch that knocked the Democratic presidential nominee's television ads off the air for thirty seconds yesterday.

Mr. Obama's ads, which have been playing on a continuous loop for the past seven weeks, were scheduled to be broadcast without interruption until Election Day - and so the half-minute hiatus on Saturday set off alarm bells within the Illinois senator's campaign.

"I was watching a football game and they went to commercial," said Obama campaign manager David Axelrod.  "And I was expecting to see one of Barack's ads, but instead it was a car commercial.  I totally freaked."

Mr. Axelrod said that he and top campaign ads have spent the better part of the day trying to figure out what went wrong "and to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Our strategy of airing Obama ads nonstop around the clock has really started to pay off," he said.  "Our polling shows that people are starting to see these ads in their sleep."

Despite national polls showing Mr. Obama in the lead, Mr. Axelrod warned against overconfidence: "There's always a chance of an ‘October Surprise' - some kind of unexpected external crisis created by Joe Biden."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Offering a sharp contrast to the general gloom on Wall Street today, retail stocks soared on the news that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) plans to buy a new outfit for Election Night.

Major retailers had been plummeting all day but staged a stunning comeback when Gov. Palin told a reporter in Ohio, "Election Night is just eleven days away and I have nothing to wear."

Gov. Palin said that a new dress for Election Night could cost as much as $20,000, "and that's before you accessorize."

Major department stores such as Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue rebounded dramatically on the news of Gov. Palin's plans, with some industry analysts predicting that Gov. Palin's shopping could bail out the entire retail sector in the fourth quarter.

"Right now, the only part of the economy that's strong is Sarah Palin's shopping," said Tracy Klugian of Morgan Stanley.  "She is a one-woman stimulus package."

 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.  This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.  They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

 The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.    It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.    The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.  She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. 
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

In a move unprecedented in the annals of presidential politics, Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was sending Democratic vice presidential nominee Joseph Biden on a campaign trip to several key swing states.

"I told Joe, I will pay your plane fare, hotels, all your expenses," Sen. McCain said.  "Just get out there and say whatever's on your mind, my friend."

Sen. McCain added one small caveat: "Whatever you do, don't edit yourself."

The Arizona's senator's unusual proposal is part of what one aide called the campaign's "Two Joes" strategy.

"For the next two weeks, this campaign is going to be all about two Joes," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds.  "Joe the Plumber and Joe the Blabber."

But the McCain campaign's plans were short-lived as Sen. Barack Obama today announced plans of his own for talkative running mate: "Between now and the election, Joe Biden will be reaching out to voters in Antarctica and possibly the Moon."

Sen. Biden said he was grateful for the assignment, adding, "I will be proud to serve under Barack Obama, especially when one of our enemies tries to test him with a full-on nuclear attack.  Kerblooey!!!!"

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In what McCain aides are hoping could be a "game-changer" in advance of tonight's third and final presidential debate, GOP nominee John McCain today expressed a strong vote of confidence in the marriage between Madonna and British film director Guy Ritchie.
Speaking to a group of supporters in a retirement home on Long Island, Sen. McCain departed from his prepared remarks to deliver his perspective on the Madonna-Ritchie union.
"My friends, I know a good many of you are concerned about Madonna's marriage," he said.  "Well, I am here to tell you that the fundamentals of Madonna's marriage are strong."
The Arizona senator also unveiled his latest economic proposal, which involves sending a "surge" of US troops to America's banks.
"My friends, the surge worked in Iraq, and it will work in our banks," he said.  "The only difference between Iraq and America's banking system is that Iraq has more money."
Perhaps in an effort to tamp down expectations for his candidate's performance in tonight's debate, McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds spun it this way: "We'll consider it a victory if he doesn't fall off the edge of the stage."

One day after the Nobel committee announced that Paul Krugman had won the 2008 Nobel Prize for economics, colleagues of Mr. Krugman voiced concerns that winning the coveted award could turn him into an egregious douchebag.
At The New York Times, where Mr. Krugman is an op-ed page columnist, and at Princeton University, where he is a professor of economics, co-workers of the newly-minted Nobel laureate were reportedly bracing for the worst.
"I think it's safe to say that Paul had pretty high self-esteem before the Nobel thing went down," said one of Mr. Krugman's Princeton associates, who spoke on condition of anonymity.  "But now he's walking around like he's Jay-Z or something."
The first ominous sign, according to the associate, came at a meeting of the economics department this morning, when Mr. Krugman showed up with a coffee mug reading, "No. 1 Economist."
While his colleagues discussed the current global financial crisis, Mr. Krugman "couldn't be bothered" and spent the meeting texting Matt Damon instead.
At one point, one of his fellow economists asked him a question about credit default swaps, to which Mr. Krugman reportedly snapped, "Credit default swaps can suck my ass  -- I'm Paul Fucking Krugman!"
Mr. Krugman could not be reached for comment and instead referred all questions to his publicist, Sherri Hefstein, whom he hired minutes after winning the Nobel.
According to Ms. Hefstein, Mr. Krugman plans to spend the next few months "building his brand" and will be adapting his book, International Economics: Theory and Policy, into a feature film to star George Clooney.

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.
"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," said McCain aide Hardin Carley.  "The fact is, a lot of planning goes into this."
In order to stock their rallies with the requisite number of irate white voters, the McCain camp has reached out to Hollywood, retaining the services of casting agent Tracy Klugian, who found the angry crowds for the 2000 film "Gladiator."
"They were really clear about my assignment," said Mr. Klugian.  "They were like, we want the same kind of crowds you had for ‘Gladiator,' only more bloodthirsty."
Toby DeBreaux, a self-described angry white man from Dayton, Ohio, was one of a thousand hopefuls who showed up at Mr. Klugian's open casting call in New York City over the weekend.
With full-throated outbursts like "Liar!", "Terrorist!", and "Kill him!", Mr. DeBreaux seemed to impress the Hollywood talent scout.

"He really seemed crazy-angry," said Mr. Klugian.  "It was like watching Cindy McCain off her meds."

In his latest attempt to raise questions about his Democratic rival for president, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) told a crowd in Ohio today that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) has been lying about his name being "Barack" and that his actual first name is "That."
"The Senator from Illinois should stop calling himself ‘Barack Obama' when his real name is ‘That One,'" Sen. McCain said.  "My friends, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves: what kind of first name is ‘That'?"
The Arizona senator made his latest allegation about Sen. Obama in the hopes of fueling doubts among undecided voters who may be uncomfortable voting for a candidate with a foreign-sounding name like "That."
"Where on earth do people name their children ‘That'?"  Sen. McCain asked, prompting a member of the audience to shout back, "Terrorist places!"
GOP strategist Carol Foyler said that Sen. McCain was "not fear-baiting" by raising the issue of Senator One's unusual first name.
"This is about honesty, not about someone having a weird name," said Ms. Foyler, who worked this year for former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
A CNN/Time poll of likely voters taken today appeared to indicate that Sen. McCain's latest tactic could be working, at least by injecting some confusion into the presidential race.
When asked if they would vote for a presidential candidate named "That," 97% of respondents answered, "What?"

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Alaska governor Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama had longstanding ties to The Weather Channel.
"What does it say about our opponent that he thinks this nation's weather is so imperfect that he needs to be allied with The Weather Channel?" she asked a crowd in Tampa, Florida.  "There's a fine line between hating America's weather and hating America herself."
Gov. Palin said that she learned about Sen. Obama's ties to The Weather Channel last week "when I was trying hard to read The New York Times."
"They said that Sen. Obama was hanging out with weathermen," she said.  "Do we really want to elect someone who has been palling around with meteorologists?"
Gov. Palin's latest attacks came on the heels of a new poll showing that the only demographic group that still support her are morons, sometimes referred to by political insiders as "no-information voters."
"It may sound like she spouting idiocy, but there's a method to her madness," said Tracy Klugian, a Republican strategist.  "She's speaking to her base."
Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain's practice session for the second presidential debate was cut short when his pants burst into flame.

Minutes after being convicted of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would seek government intervention, claiming that his imprisonment would cost the nation's cable news networks untold billions of dollars.
"My three trials have generated billions of dollars for the cable TV industry, not to mention the tabloids," Mr. Simpson told reporters outside the Las Vegas courthouse.  "All those billions go away if I go away."
Mr. Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.
"As long as the Juice is loose, there's no telling what trouble I'll get into," he promised.  "And that means one thing to the TV networks: cold hard cash."
The former Heisman Trophy winner said that with the nation's economy teetering on recession, the U.S. could ill afford "putting a major financial asset like O.J. Simpson out of circulation."
"You'll see, the cable networks will miss me, and their bottom lines will show it," he said.  "They can't keep reporting about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian forever."
At the University of Minnesota's School of Law, professor Davis Logsdon said there is "a valuable lesson to be learned" from Mr. Simpson's conviction: "Apparently, in America it's easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In a precedent-setting case of corporate involvement in a nationally televised political debate, Mad LibsTM revealed that it had sponsored Gov. Sarah Palin's answers in her vice-presidential face-off with Delaware senator Joseph Biden.
In exchange for the exclusive sponsorship, Mad LibsTM agreed to provide Gov. Palin with a special Mad LibsTM edition composed entirely of answers to vice-presidential debate questions.
"We are happy as a [kind of shellfish] to have sponsored Governor Palin's [synonym for idiotic] answers, which showed the American people just how [synonym for gigantic] a [type of ape] she is," said Mad LibsTM spokesperson Carol Foyler.
While Mad LibsTM refused to reveal the entire collection of answers they provided to Gov. Palin, they did offer one example: "I believe that if [synonym for evildoers] were found to be hiding in [name of country], America should take [synonym for strong] action to make certain that they don't [synonym for blow up] us."
Having watched Gov. Palin's performance in the debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain said, "I'm totally [synonym for having had sexual intercourse]."

In an indication that he is less than confident about his running mate's ability to perform at the vice-presidential debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain confirmed plans to hide inside Gov. Sarah Palin's podium during the televised face-off.
Sen. McCain had hoped not to resort to such draconian measures, but after reviewing tapes of Gov. Palin's disastrous interviews with CBS' Katie Couric, he reportedly told aides, "Damn it, there's no way I'm letting that doofus take me down."
The Arizona senator plans to crouch inside the podium out of view of the audience, whispering key bits of information to Gov. Palin, such as the names of any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade, and the names of well-known newspapers and magazines she could pretend to read.
On the Democratic side, Sen. Joseph Biden said he hoped to emulate Abraham Lincoln's performance in the Lincoln-Douglas debates: "That was truly one of the greatest moments in television history."