a small dose of reality

Recently I have received comments from readers complaining that I have seemed to satirize the nation's 44^th president.  These readers have pointed out that with all of the challenges facing President Obama, the time for such juvenile shenanigans is over.  My response couldn't be clearer: "I hear you." In keeping with the nation's new, post-satirical spirit, we offer the following column, which represents the new and more positive direction I intend to adopt for the next four years.)

One week into his Presidency, Barack Obama gets high marks in a new poll, with a majority of Americans agreeing with the statement, "Barack Obama is even more awesome than I originally thought."

The percentage of voters who believe that Mr. Obama is awesome surged during his first week in office, with 82% thinking he is awesome now compared to 77% who deemed him awesome last week.

And in the latest measure of his popularity, Mr. Obama receives higher approval ratings in the new poll than either leprechauns or unicorns, mythical beings that almost everyone agrees are totally awesome.

In a head-to-head contest, Mr. Obama beats leprechauns and unicorns combined, garnering 64% compared to 21% for leprechauns, 14% for unicorns, and 1% for Congressman Ron Paul.

Mr. Obama remains wildly popular among women, with 72% of the women polled saying that they have experienced longer, more powerful orgasms since he was sworn in as President.

 "I definitely won't have to fake them like I did for the last eight years," said housewife Tracy Klujian of Madison, Wisconsin, who reported having an four-minute climax while watching the inauguration on MSNBC.  "That's change I can believe in."

In the first major initiative of his presidency, President Barack Obama today dispatched Vice President Joe Biden on what he called “an important and special mission” to Antarctica.

The news of Mr. Biden’s unexpected trip appeared to take the Vice President by surprise, as he was in the middle of making a joke about Chief Justice John Roberts to members of the press corps when the President interrupted him with the news.

“Here’s how John Roberts sings the National Anthem,” Mr. Biden was saying.  “’Oh see can you say…’”

Mr. Obama, yanking away Mr. Biden’s microphone, then informed him of the extraordinary journey to the South Pole he was about to undertake.

The President was vague about what the mission to Antarctica would entail, but he did indicate that it could take “up to four years.”

While some witnesses to the scene said that Mr. Biden seemed surprised by the news, his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, offered another version of events during an appearance later in the day on “Oprah.”

“Joe was given a choice of places to go and he picked Antarctica,” she said.  “President Obama said he could also go to the moon or Mars.”

Dr. Biden’s remarks were cut short when President Obama appeared on the set and unplugged her microphone.

Other than the Biden news, Mr. Obama’s day went as planed, meeting with senior staff, drawing up a budget, and being sworn in as President for the third time.

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Dear Neighbors,

Please accept my profound apologies for the terrible inconvenience that I have caused over the past weeks. Ruth and I appreciate the support we have received.

Best regards,

Bernard Madoff

-- Letter from Bernie Madoff to his neighbors as quoted in The New York Times, January 12

P.S.  I'm sorry my last letter to you was so short, but my ankle bracelet started beeping and that totally freaked me out.

I didn't get a chance to tell you just how much Ruth and I have appreciated the support you've shown - especially all of those lively and memorable messages you keep leaving on our voicemail in the middle of the night.  While some of the language is a little saltier than what I'm used to hearing, it's very much in keeping with the rambunctious spirit that this building is known for.  Good times!

We also have gotten a kick out of all of the neat decorations you've left outside our apartment door.  I never knew what I would look like in effigy!  If the smoke detector in the hallway hadn't gone off I wouldn't have gotten a chance to see the darned thing before it burnt to a crisp.  Anyway, clearly a lot of work went into it, so to whomever made it, way to go.

Now, in exchange for all the support you've shown me, I'd like to do something for you - in the form of the investment opportunity of a lifetime.  Due to the difficult market conditions we now face, I unfortunately can't offer you anything like the returns I've previously delivered to investors, but for the lucky few of you whose applications I deign to accept, I can guarantee an annual nine percent return from now until the end of time.  This fund will be closed to new investors as of midnight tonight, so to qualify for the first tier please wire $500,000 in earnest money ASAP (see bank information in the Cayman Islands below).  Please attach a 500-word essay explaining why you deserve to give your money to me.

This building has always been about neighbors helping each other out, so in exchange for extending this unique investment opportunity to you, there are a few favors I'd like to ask in return.  First, does anyone in the building know anything about melting down gold jewelry so that it doesn't jangle around when you put it in a FedEx envelope?  Also, do any of you have access to a twin-engine plane that can fly 1500 miles without refueling?  One other thing I would totally be interested in is if one of you knows a plastic surgeon capable of performing a fairly thorough redoing of someone's face in his apartment - for example, making a 70-year-old man look like Benicio del Toro or Miley Cyrus.  Failing that, do any of you have access to some super-realistic latex masks?  Any of the above favors would be awesome.

Oops, that darned ankle bracelet is going off again.  Which reminds me: it would be totally fantstic if one of you (or someone you know) knew something about disabling/removing electronic ankle bracelets.  Anyway, I better go now, so let me say goodbye for now and sign off with our building's longstanding motto: "No Snitchin."

You know you love me,

XOXO  Bernie

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In what he hoped would be the capstone to his eight years as President, George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the English language.

Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."

For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar.

The President followed up that declaration of war in 2003 when he signed an executive order cancelling the agreement between nouns and verbs.

Mr. Bush's decision to repeal the English language could complicate matters for his successor, President-elect Barack Obama, who is scheduled to deliver his inaugural address tomorrow, presumably in English.

But thoughts of Mr. Obama seemed far away during today's jubilant Oval Office ceremony, which Mr. Bush summed up in four words: "I can has legacy."

Mr. Bush's executive offer also drew high praise from a fellow Republican, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska: "Being that the English language can and has been used in confusing and also too in harming ordinary Americans, knowing that it no longer can or will be used in doing that is something positive that this is doing also."

When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most ass-kissed president in the nation's history, some historians believe.

Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his ass for months, the President-elect's buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.

"Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country's greatest president," says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals,  "but he never had his fanny kissed like this."

At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration "to administer one long, glorious blowjob to President-elect Barack Obama."

The network's new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, "Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?"

At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.

"You people never kissed my hiney like you're kissing his, and you know it," Mr. Bush said.  "As far as I'm concerned, you bastards can all go to hell."

Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

At a press conference in Washington today, President-elect Barack Obama repeatedly refused to answer questions about the size of his package, calling the subject "a personal matter."

Again and again, reporters attempted to get Mr. Obama to tell them exactly how big his package was, but the President-elect was steadfast in his refusal to quantify it.

"If I tell you the size of my package, some of you will think that it sounds too small, " he said.  "And others will be uncomfortable with how big it is."

The President-elect seemed to indicate, however, that the size of his package may vary according to the circumstances.

"Depending on what is going on, my package could grow significantly larger," he said.  "It all comes down to the amount of stimulus."

The President-elect apologized for his vagueness about his package, telling reporters, "I know you're having a hard time getting your arms around it."

Mr. Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, later indicated that the President-elect does plan on unveiling his package for the American people, probably at his inauguration.

"This will give the American people an opportunity to finally grasp his package," Mr. Emanuel said.

Hoping to calm a nation whose nerves have been rattled by economic woes, President-elect Barack Obama today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches designed to put the nation to sleep.

Viewers who were able to remain awake for the entirety of his speech could boil down Mr. Obama's economic plan to two points: stimulate the American economy while tranquilizing the American people.

"The President-elect is well aware that Americans are having trouble sleeping," said chief of staff designee Rahm Emanuel.  "These speeches are designed to fix that."

By that criterion, Mr. Obama's speech on economic matters today was a huge success, with over half of his audience losing consciousness five minutes in.

"That speech was a home run," Mr. Emanuel said.  "If he gives more speeches like that, you can throw away your Ambien."

But even as Mr. Emanuel was touting his boss's sandman-like oratory, Mr. Obama's Surgeon General nominee, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, offered Americans the following warning: "If you are listening to one of President-elect Obama's speeches on the radio, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery."

Just hours after being denied a seat in the U.S. Senate, former Illinois attorney general Roland W. Burris said that he was no longer interested in that position and would instead seek to be crowned Emperor of the Universe.

In a meeting with reporters outside the Capitol building, Mr. Burris offered a rationale for his claim to the Universe's coveted throne.

"I have just received word that I have been legally and appropriately named Emperor of the Universe by Gov. Rod Blagoevich of the great state of Illinois," Mr. Burris said.  "That's good enough for me."

Legal experts were divided as to whether it was possible for a governor who is facing possible indictment to appoint someone Emperor of the Universe, but Mr. Burris seemed confident on that point.

"If Gov. Blagoevitch wants me to rule over the Universe with my mighty scepter, then he has the right to do that," he said.  "It's not like he's delusional or anything."

To demonstrate popular support for his position, Mr. Burris held a rally that he said was attended by over 10,000 of his imaginary friends.

But later in the afternoon, Gov. Blagoevich seemed to rain on Mr. Burris' parade as he told reporters that he had "never appointed" the former attorney general Emperor of the Universe.

"I haven't even spoken to Roland in days," said Gov. Blagoevich.  "Wow, he sounds like some kind of kook."

I'm gonna have my people catch this son of a gun and sell tickets.  A 140-year-old lobster once destined for a dinner plate received the gift of life Friday from a Park Avenue seafood restaurant.

George, the 20-pound supercentenarian crustacean, was freed by City Crab and Seafood in New York City.

"We applaud the folks at City Crab and Seafood for their compassionate decision to allow this noble old-timer to live out his days in freedom and peace," said Ingrid E. Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

PETA spokesman Michael McGraw said the group asked City Crab to return George to the Atlantic Ocean after a diner saw him at the restaurant, where steamed Maine lobster sells for $27 per pound. George had been caught off Newfoundland, Canada and lived in the tank for about 10 days before his release.

Some scientists estimate lobsters can live to be more than 100 years old. PETA and the restaurant guessed George's age at about 140, using a rule of thumb based on the creature's weight.

He was to be released Saturday near Kennebunkport, Maine, in an area where lobster trapping is forbidden. 

The alleged Ponzi scheme of New York investment manager Bernie Madoff has claimed yet another victim, as al-Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden today revealed that he lost over $1 billion in the fraud.

While the roster of Madoff victims have included many prominent names from the world of entertainment and the media, such as Steven Spielberg and Mortimer Zuckerman, Mr. bin Laden is believed to be the first acknowledged casualty from the world of terror.

Mr. bin Laden made the rueful announcement in the form of a video, broadcast on the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network and around the world.

Speaking from what appears to be a cave, he said that he had invested with Mr. Madoff because the investment wiz had promised an annual return of ten percent, adding, "Now I don't know who to trust."

The al-Qaeda leader remained vague about how he had first made contact with Mr. Madoff, saying only that they had a mutual friend at a Palm Beach country club.

He added that the losses due to the Madoff fraud would have an immediate impact on al-Qaeda's financial health, forcing the terror network to shutter several regional offices and to cut back on the production values of Mr. bin Laden's videos.

While some expressed shock that a terrorist like Mr. bin Laden could become ensnared in a financial fraud like Mr. Madoff's, "It's not surprising at all," said North Korean president Kim Jong-Il.

"I'm offered shady investment schemes every day of the week," said Mr. Kim from his office in Pyongyang.  "This is why I keep all my money in Treasuries."

Copywrite 2008 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine's editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed today.

While some observers considered Ms. Kennedy's bid to be premature, especially since 2009 has not officially begun, aides to the New York senatorial aspirant said that it reflected her view that 2009 will be a very big year for her.

"I think Caroline's calling Time magazine and asking to be put on the cover shows just what a tireless worker she is," said cousin Kerry Kennedy.  "When she really wants something, she's not afraid to roll up her sleeves and make a phone call."

Her cousin said that having witnessed Caroline's work ethic, she has no doubt that she is deserving of Time's highest honor: "I can't tell you how many times she's gotten the wrong number, been put on hold, or had calls dropped altogether."

In addition to the Person of the Year honors, Kerry Kennedy said that Caroline had also expressed an interest in next year's Nobel Peace Prize.

"That's a call she hasn't made yet," Ms. Kennedy said.  "She has to figure out the time difference in Oslo."