a small dose of reality

Well DUH

Americans hold a dim view of business executives, giving them poor grades for honesty and ethics and blaming them for business failures, according to a survey released on Thursday.  Nearly 60 percent gave the worst grades to Wall Street executives for honesty and ethical practices, according to research conducted by the Marist College Institute for Public Opinion in Poughkeepsie, New York.

Lawyers fared even better, getting bad grades from a third of respondents but excellent grades from a quarter of them.

The poll, commissioned by the Knights of Columbus, a Catholic fraternal and charitable organization, questioned 2,071 U.S. adults and 110 business executives.

Among executives, 88 percent said they blame top executives for a company's success or failure. Only 12 percent blame outside forces.

Go figure, the lawyers get the best grades.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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Disgraced financier Bernie Madoff offered a partial mea culpa for his massive Ponzi scheme today, telling reporters that he blamed his "youth and immaturity" for his poor judgment in the matter.  "You have to understand, when this scheme really got out of hand I was only a lad in my sixties," Mr. Madoff said.  Reflecting on his role in the fraud, which wound up bilking $50 billion from unwitting investors, Mr. Madoff said, "I think I felt under pressure to become the biggest scumbag of all time."

But Mr. Madoff pleaded for understanding, explaining, "You do all kinds of crazy things when you're at an impressionable age like 60 or 61."  In the interest of "giving something back," Mr. Madoff said he hoped to make a tour of investment houses and warn brokers in their forties and fifties against starting Ponzi schemes of their own: "I want to get to them while they're still kids."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary, President Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site.  "The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day," Mr. Obama said.  "That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work."  The President's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.

But hours later, Mr. Hurtstein did an about-face, withdrawing his name from consideration with the following terse statement: "At first I was like, that would be awesome, but I didn't realize I would have to move."  For his part, Mr. Obama said he would continue his search on Craigslist, adding, "While I have not yet found a Commerce Secretary there I did just find a great pair of skis."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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In testimony before Congress today, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner warned that by continuing to talk he might plunge the nation into a depression.  "The nation's economy is in a crisis that could easily turn into a catastrophe," the Treasury Secretary said.  "In this precarious state, it is highly vulnerable to my talking."  Mr. Geithner pointed to the Dow Jones Industrial Average's 300-point drop during his previous day of Congressional testimony as proof that his amorphous policy statements posed a serious threat to the nation's economy.  "What further damage could my vague remarks do?" he asked.  "The truth is, I don't know."  Overseas markets plunged on the news that Mr. Geithner was talking again, with both the NIKKEI and the FTSE shedding over eight percent of their value. 

At a town hall meeting in Indiana, President Barack Obama heard from a housewife, Carol Foyler, 47, who pleaded with the President to make Mr. Geithner stop talking.  "Every time he opens his mouth, I'm afraid I'm going to lose my house," she said.  President Obama hugged Mrs. Foyler and said he would "see what I can do" about the Geithner problem.  "I will do everything in my power to get Tim to stop talking," the President said.  "Quite honestly, I already have my hands full with Biden."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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President Barack Obama picked up support for his stimulus package from an unexpected source today as Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez said that he was "totally in favor of stimulus."

"Sometimes when you have to get the job done, you need a shot in the arm," said Mr. Rodriguez at a press conference in the parking lot of Yankee Stadium.  "This stimulus sounds like it could be that injection."

The slugger, known to his fans and detractors alike as A-Rod, said that the U.S. economy may not seem very muscular at the moment, but that "juicing the economy" could change that overnight.

"Mark my words," he said.  "If the economy gets the right injection, its muscles will bulge to monstrous proportions."

Mr. Rodriguez's words were in stark contrast with remarks made last week by another athlete, swimmer Michael Phelps, who said that the economy "just needs to chill."

"As far as the economy goes, I'm comfortably numb about it," Mr. Phelps said.  "Dude, did I just say that out loud?"

At his press conference today, Mr. Rodriguez bristled when asked questions about steroid use, at one point throwing a car at a reporter.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.

In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."

"We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee," Ms. Foyler said.  "We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter."

She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, "Since we're also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there's really nothing to stir."

When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, "We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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President Barack Obama is mulling a controversial new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.

While the unorthodox tax proposal is reportedly "only in the planning stages," it is being eyed as a possible way to balance the Federal budget.

"According to projections, if members of the Cabinet actually paid their taxes, we could wind up with a budget surplus in excess of $18.2 billion," said Obama economic adviser Paul Volcker. 

Mr. Volcker said he strongly favored the plan, but added, "Fortunately for me, I'm not officially in the Cabinet."

But imposing taxes on Cabinet members may be easier said than done, critics of the plan warn.

"Remember, these people are not used to paying taxes," said one White House source.  "They are going to be hopping mad about this."

Another wrinkle in the plan is how the taxes would actually be collected, with President Obama reportedly favoring a cash-at-the-door entry fee for every Cabinet meeting.

"If they don't have the money, they don't get in," said the source.  "They're not going to be able to just sail into the White House for free like the Jonas Brothers."

When told of Mr. Obama's plan to make his Cabinet members pay taxes, Fmr. Sen. and Fmr. Cabinet nominee Tom Daschle responded, "Whew!  Sounds like I dodged a bullet."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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Law of Logical Argument

Olympic champion Michael Phelps weighed in today on last night's Super Bowl, congratulating the Arizona Cardinals on their "awesome victory."

"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter.

"Maybe it was the Doritos commercial, I don't know, but suddenly I got unbelievably hungry," said Mr. Phelps, giggling uncontrollably.  "I was like, man, I have got to get me some Doritos, stat!"

Mr. Phelps said that once he got to his kitchen, he became distracted when he noticed that his hand appeared to be growing.

"I must have been staring at my hand for an hour," he said.  "It was kind of fascinating."

The Olympian said that by the time he returned from the kitchen, the game was already over, "so I didn't get to see the awesome moment when the Cardinals actually won, but I'm sure that was bodacious."

Mr. Phelps said he celebrated the Cardinals' victory by eating four bags of Doritos and swimming a victory lap on his living room rug.

Copywrite 2008 - BG

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