a small dose of reality

Taking his most urgent action to date since cases of swine flu were first reported, President Barack Obama today ordered an emergency quarantine of Vice President Joe Biden.  Mr. Biden was in the middle of giving a wide-ranging television interview on swine flu preparedness when he was seized by representatives of the Department of Homeland Security and placed in quarantine.

"I'll tell you this, if I thought I might catch swine flu by going to work or a movie or the mall or something like that, I sure as heck wouldn't -" Mr. Biden was saying when he was abruptly yanked away from the microphone.  According to President Obama, the vice president will be kept in a sealed box away from television cameras and microphones "until we are certain that the danger is passed."  "There is no clear scientific proof that swine flu can be spread by television cameras or microphones," Mr. Obama said.  "But it's better to be safe than sorry."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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In a move that stunned both political allies and foes alike, President Barack Obama resigned today after serving 100 days in office, telling the White House press corps, "It's all downhill from here."  The reporters seemed stunned by the President's decision in light of the fawning media coverage he received during his first 100 days, but the hyperbolic nature of that reportage, ironically, may have been the prime motivator behind Mr. Obama's shocking move.

"Let's face it, I'm not going to get better coverage than I have to date," he said.  "The only guy with a higher approval rating is that dude who landed the plane on the Hudson - or maybe that other dude who escaped from those pirates."  Mr. Obama may have a point, as current polls show that the only Americans with higher approval ratings are members of his immediate family.  According to the latest University of Minnesota/Opinion Research Institute survey, Mr. Obama's 67% approval rating is topped by First Lady Michelle Obama at 84%, with daughters Sasha and Malia and dog Bo tied at 98%.

Even the President's little-known half-brother George Obama, who resides in Nairobi, Kenya, garnered a 73% thumbs-up in the poll.  As the press corps reeled from the news of Mr. Obama's resignation, one White House source suggested that the First Lady may have been behind the decision: "Around Day 95 or so, Michelle was running out of wardrobe changes."  At the Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts said that he stood ready to swear in the nation's new chief executive, whom he called "President Biden R. Joseph."  Mr. Biden is scheduled to deliver his Inaugural address on Friday at noon and wrap it up sometime late Sunday.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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Responding to the furor over the Republican Party's opposition to pandemic preparedness funding in the recent stimulus bill, GOP leaders came forward today to reaffirm the party's pro-swine position.  "The Republican Party has traditionally been the pro-swine party," said GOP strategist Karl Rove on Fox News.  "This is a moment in our history when everyone must ask themselves: Are you with the pigs, or are you against them?"

Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) also voiced her solidarity with swine, telling reporters in Anchorage, "The only difference between a pitbull and a pig is lipstick."  Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), one of the staunchest opponents of pandemic preparedness spending, said that the public should ignore the "scare tactics" of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and "go about their normal business with pigs."

Rove agreed, telling Fox's Sean Hannity, "I think it's the pinnacle of hypocrisy that the same forces on the left who support same-sex marriage are now trying to limit our contact with pigs, which is the most normal thing in the world, and one of the most beautiful."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.  In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.  "This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night. 

The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding.  I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship.  It's certainly something Lynne and I share."  But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture fan page - only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date - the vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding fans.

"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin.  "I'd feel like someone was always watching me."  At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking.  That's my job now."

In a move signaling his most direct involvement in the U.S. auto industry to date, President Barack Obama announced today that he was opening a Chevrolet dealership on the White House lawn.  As car-carriers dumped hundreds of unsold 2009 Malibus, Silverados and Cobalts onto the grass in front of the President's historic residence, workmen draped a banner in front of the White House portico reading "Buy a Chevrolet from the USA."

Another crew of workers were busy erecting a new sign in front of the White House reading "Barry's Auto City," the name of Mr. Obama's dealership.  In a new TV ad broadcast nationwide, the president was seen wearing an Uncle Sam costume and telling the American people, "We are slashing prices on 2009 Chevys to make room for the 2010s, if there still are Chevys by then."

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said that all Cabinet members were taking turns running the dealership, and that Vice-President Joe Biden was manning the customer service hotline.  Customers calling the hotline complained that wait times were as long as thirty minutes and that Mr. Biden was overly chatty, but Mr. Emanuel stressed that the customer service department was "a work in progress."

He added that once President's Chevy dealership is up and running, Mr. Obama will open a Chrysler dealership next to it.  "This will be your last chance to get a low, low price on a Chrysler before it turns into a Fiat," he said.

The success of singer Susan Boyle on the reality show "Britain's Got Talent" has caused both television networks and their viewers to reconsider the intrinsic value of ugly people, media experts say.  In living rooms around the world as well as in the executive suites of media giants, those exposed to the Susan Boyle phenomenon are grappling with the paradox - thought impossible up until now - that an ugly person could be talented.  In New York, NBC chief Jeff Zucker confirmed that his network was "seriously considering" lifting its official ban against featuring unattractive people on the air.

"For years, the letters NBC have stood for ‘No Butt-ugly Characters,'" Mr. Zucker said.  "We're beginning to re-think that."  Jenifer Genterson, a news anchor from Abilene, Texas, is just one of a chorus of beautiful TV talking heads who have been startled and inspired by the surprising presence of talent in an ugly person.  "In the TV business, we're told that beauty is everything," Ms. Genterson said.  "But Susan Boyle has shown us that ugly people have the right to live, too."

But Professor Logsdon, who studies the rare occurrences of ugly people in the media at the University of Minnesota's School of Communications, warns that the isolated example of Ms. Boyle may give ugly people around the world too much hope.  "The fact is, only one in a million ugly people will ever get on TV," said Professor Logsdon.  "Most of them will wind up in academia."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Experts Warn of ‘Douchebag Drain'.   As the federal government moves to institute salary caps for Wall Street executives, an increasing number of assholes are seeking employment elsewhere, a study confirmed today.

According to the report commissioned by the University of Minnesota's School of Business, at a time when the economy needs experienced hands at the tiller, some of the financial world's best-trained dickwads are fleeing the ship.  And if the trend continues, the study warns, Wall Street could soon be facing a "douchebag drain" as top buttholes migrate to other countries and industries.  "There is no question that our company is losing some of its most valued assholes," says Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis.  "I have tried to convince them to stay, but how do you reason with them?  After all, they're assholes."

At Blarney O'Malley's, a popular watering hole catering to Wall Street traders, prominent assholes congregated after work last week to ponder the career options facing douchcicles today.  "When I graduated from B-school in '98, you could write your own ticket," said Dirk Bendelson, a veteran asshole from Stamford, Connecticut.  "It was a glorious time to be a mofo."  Mr. Bendelson said he was considering using his Wall Street experience to pursue a career that would not be subject to regulation or salary caps: "I'm thinking of becoming a pirate."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

The bloghi.com splog reporting page states:  "Please contact us if you want to participate to the cleaning process."  I suggest all the regulars contact bloghi.com and take bloghi.com up on it's offer.  Obviously as four plus year contributors EB and myself should certainly be qualified.  All the regulars have been around a long time and should be qualified.  Here is what I wrote:

"I've been here for 4 years.  Since before the change in management.  You say that you accept volunteers to assist in the splog cleaning process.  I hereby volunteer.  If I am not qualified to help with this, no one is and you should delete your request that people assist in the splog cleaning process.  Please I please hear from you promptly?  Thank you, Barry G."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Here is a copy of my latest email to bloghi.com.  In reviewing this situation, I find it outrageous that the "not the skank" blog was banned and the soonerblue blog still exists.  That soonerblue person has openly gloated about how she and her family and friends complained to bloghi.com and succeeded in having the blog banned.  Between them, the marked it as spam about 250 times.  Speaking of spam, why on earth is my blog marked "spam" and why are any of the regulars' blogs marked "spam"?  WE are the people who make money for bloghi.com.  I personally am tired of being treated with such disdain and would like to open the discussion among the "regulars" about moving "en masse" to another blogging site.  Your thoughts?

"I have written to you twice without the courtesy of a response.  How do you justify banning that blog as spam?  How do you justify letting the woman who complained about it and subsequently gloating about getting it banned have a blog at all?  Why on earth do you allow my blog to have been marked as spam for about 3 weeks?  Do you want your few regular non spam bloggers to cease to use your site?  I am in touch with all of them and we are considering moving en masse to blogger in protest of what you have done and your not correcting it as outlined above.  I think as a three plus year blogger on your site who has driven a LOT of traffic here, I deserve the courtesy of a response to my inquiries and an explanation.  Thank you, Barry G."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

CNBC financial pundit Jim Cramer declared the global depression "over" on his "Mad Money" program on Thursday, causing widespread panic around the world and sparking the largest stock sell-off in history.  Just moments after Mr. Cramer delivered his upbeat prediction, stock prices went into an epic free-fall unprecedented in the annals of modern trading as millions of investors rushed for the exits.  "Cramer says the depression is over!" one Wall Street trader was heard shouting on the NYSE floor.  "Run for your lives!"

Carol Foyler, an equities analyst for Morgan Stanley, said that Mr. Cramer's optimistic prediction "confirmed all of our darkest fears."  "These are very scary times on Wall Street," Ms. Foyler said.  "This news from Jim Cramer may have been the last nail in the coffin."  Seemingly oblivious to the panic he had caused, Mr. Cramer appeared on his program again on Friday and predicted that North Korea would never launch a long-range missile.  "Folks, I'm telling you, there's no way that missile will be launched," he said.  "You heard it here first!"

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website