a small dose of reality

In its boldest move yet to cut costs, NBC announced today that it would produce only one episode of its new "Jay Leno Show" and rerun it until someone notices.  The new Leno program, whose scheduling every weeknight at 10 was heralded as a way for NBC to reduce programming expenses, had originally been conceived as a series that would have an original episode every night.  But after looking at the network's ailing balance sheet, NBC chairman Jeff Zucker decided to greenlight what some within the network have called "the nuclear option": producing only one episode and rerunning it ad infinitum.

"To many Americans, Jay Leno is their favorite comfort food," Mr. Zucker said.  "We can think of nothing more comforting than offering them the opportunity to watch the same episode of Jay's show over and over and over again."  Mr. Zucker confirmed that the network downsized the order of the new Leno show after conducting focus groups revealing that viewers were equally satisfied after watching the same episode of "Law & Order" ten times in a row as they were after watching ten different episodes.  "In retrospect, we could have just ordered one episode of ‘Law and Order' all those years," Mr. Zucker said.  "That means we bought 4,000 episodes we really didn't need." 

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Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich lashed out today at the current Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, calling the congresswoman unfit to be Speaker of the House "because she's not a good enough liar."  Mr. Gingrich, in an appearance on ABC's "Good Morning America," said that the ability to lie seamlessly is the most important qualification for the job of Speaker, adding, "I've been in the job and I should know."  The former Speaker issued the following ultimatum to Rep. Pelosi: "She needs to get better at lying, or step down."

Mr. Gingrich offered a brutal, blow-by-blow criticism of the House Speaker's lying technique, which he said consists of "pauses, ums and uhs, stuttering - all the hallmarks of an amateur."  In contrast, he said, "When I was in her chair my lying was as smooth as a baby's bottom."  He added that if Rep. Pelosi is serious about remaining in her position, he would be "more than willing" to give her lying lessons.  "Being a good liar requires practice," Mr. Gingrich said.  "Fortunately for me, I had years of practice lying to my many wives."

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In a sign that he has no intention of going away quietly, former Vice President Dick Cheney embarked today on a nationwide road trip in a sound truck equipped with a state-of-the-art bullhorn.  The formerly reclusive Mr. Cheney has been a ubiquitous fixture on Sunday talk shows and right-wing radio programs in recent weeks, but his decision to tour the nation in a 2000-watt sound truck shows a heightened determination to spread his pro-torture message from coast to coast.

According to aides to the former vice president, Mr. Cheney had briefly considered starring in an IMAX film called "The Dick Cheney 3-D Experience" before settling on the less costly sound truck idea.  But Mr. Cheney's "Pro-torture Tour '09" has not managed to skirt controversy thus far, as the former Vice President has already had to contend with grievances about the noise levels produced by his high-wattage truck.

Residents of the town of Keene, New Hampshire were awakened at 5 AM this morning by a familiar voice blaring, "We're less safe than we were under the last administration.  Run for your lives!"  As townsfolk rubbed their eyes, Mr. Cheney's voice could be heard extolling waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques.  For his part, a buoyant Mr. Cheney brushed off complaints from the New Hampshire citizens that he had disturbed the peace with his early-morning rant: "All this proves is that sleep deprivation works."

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A mood of tension has gripped the White House in recent days as President Obama prepares himself for a new round of criticism from one of the nation's most powerful and influential constituencies: pajama-wearing Internet users who post anonymous comments on liberal blogs.  In the West Wing, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has set up a high-tech "war room" to monitor the blog comments from the President's basement-dwelling critics, postings which one White House source said could be "really mean" in the days ahead.  "It's no secret that the President is very worried about what these anonymous blog-commenters might be typing over the next few days," said the source.  "They are very angry, and they have a lot of time on their hands."

The source said that the pajama-wearing chorus could grow louder this week "because most of them have already seen Star Trek and they're back in front of their keyboards."  Some of them are so furious they're not even stopping to use spell-check," he added.  LiberalCatGirrrrl999, a former Obama supporter who has turned on him in recent days, said that the President ignores her irate, long-winded blog comments at his peril.  "There's been so much emphasis on the influence of liberal bloggers, the White House has ignored where the real power is: anonymous blog commenters," she says.  "Hold on, my mom is yelling at me from upstairs."

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Just hours after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin voiced her support for embattled Miss California Carrie Prejean, Biblical scholars noted that the alliance between the former and present beauty queens is prophesied in the Holy Scriptures.  While many observers have called the Palin-Prejean link-up predictable, few suspected that it was in fact predicted in The Book of Revelations.

"The unholy alliance between Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean is explicitly stated in the Book of Revelations as a harbinger of the End of Days," said the reverend Dr. Davis Logsdon, Dean of the University of Minnesota's School of Divinity.  "They're right in there, after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."  But Dr. Logsdon was quick to point out that the first person to notice the Palin-Prejean reference in the Bible's book of prophecy was actually the sixteenth-century seer Nostradamus, legendary for his predictive powers.

According to Dr. Logsdon, in 1555 Nostradamus predicted the alliance between the two right-wing beauties when he wrote, "The slayer of beasts shall meet the barer of breasts."  When asked whether the alliance between Gov. Palin and Miss California means that the world is about to end, Dr. Logsdon was unequivocal: "That would be the best-case scenario."

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Paramount Pictures, which is releasing the latest Star Trek movie this Friday, is hoping for record box office returns, fueled by a big turnout from the movie franchise's core audience: virgins.  While the studio has high hopes for the movie's success with the general audience, it is taking great paints to target the group that has flocked to every previous Star Trek film, and that means reaching out to people who have never come close to having sex.

"There is already a terrific buzz about this movie among virgins online," said Paramount distribution spokesman Tracy Klujian.  "The good news for us is, virgins spend a lot of time online."  While Paramount admits that it has done its homework to reach America's virgins, conducting audience testing and focus groups with moviegoers who have never been on a date, they are not taking the virgin audience for granted.  "There are so many things competing for virgins' attention in the marketplace," he said.  "Not just the Internet, but computer games, comic books, and Transformers 2."

Zach Sussberg, 24, a virgin in Flint, Michigan, said that he had cleared out his entire weekend to make sure that he sees the new Star Trek film.  "Everybody says that this new Star Trek is better than sex," he said.  "But hey, I wouldn't know."  Interestingly, Paramount's Klujian said that the studio is not targeting moviegoers involved in the abstinence movement: "Let's face it, those kids are having more sex than anybody."

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The national pastime suffered another black eye last night when a mob of irate Cleveland Indians fans poured onto the diamond at Progressive Field to demand that their team take steroids.  Displeasure with the championship-starved squad reached a boiling point with the news that slugger Manny Ramirez took performance-enhancing drugs - but only after leaving the Indians.

When asked by ESPN if he ingested the banned medication while playing for Cleveland, Mr. Ramirez shrugged his shoulders and replied, "What would be the point of that?"  Mr. Ramirez is just the latest in a long line of baseball players who have refused to take steroids while playing for the Indians, says fan Chuck Goulardi, 49, the leader of last night's protest.  "Manny's comment was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back," says Mr. Goulardi, who has seen his ‘roid-free Tribe fall to their juiced-up competition more times than he can recall.  "These players are paid good money, and all we're asking them to do is take one measly shot in the ass."

But getting the Indians to start taking steroids may be easier said than done, ays former slugger Jose Canseco, the author of the controversial tell-all book Juiced.  "On more than forty occasions I sneaked into the Cleveland clubhouse, offering to shoot those guys up with ‘roids," says Mr. Canseco. "No takers."  Last night's melee was only the latest display of dissatisfaction on the part of Cleveland fans, who earlier this season demanded that the giant TV screen on the outfield scoreboard show a different game.

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CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period.  CNN said that its early reporting of the swine flu story had been contained to one or two hours a day but had recently increased to all twenty-four hours.

"This is an alarming spread in the reporting of this story," said Carol Foyler, a CNN spokesperson.  "We have seen swine flu spread from primetime to all the other day parts."  Ms. Foyler said that in recent days CNN had identified several cases of "increasingly scary graphics and fonts" about swine flu during its news programs.  "These scary graphics are popping up everywhere in greater and greater numbers," she said.  "These are signs that the swine flu coverage is growing more intense and virulent."

The CNN spokesperson said that news host Lou Dobbs had even taken time out from fear-mongering about immigration to fear-monger about swine flu: "This is an unprecedented development."  Even as CNN reported that its broadcasting of the swine flu story was on the rise, there was evidence that intense cases of swine flu reporting had spread from CNN to MSNBC.  "We have also seen several cases of panic-inducing graphics and terrifying fonts," said MSNBC spokesman Terry McTate.  "I don't want to frighten people, but we haven't seen a story this scary since Y2K."

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