My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.  As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can` pitty-pat us on the ground.'  She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

          Copywrite 2009 - BG

     Visit the new and improved

 Barry G. webstie:  asmalldoseofreality.com

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,look towards sky, what you see?"  The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.  The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you Tonto?"  "You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

          Copywrite 2009 - BG

     Visit the new and improved

 Barry G. webstie:  asmalldoseofreality.com

One would think that the Yankees should be favored with the steady Andy Petitte on the mound as opposed to the Phillies enigmatic Cole Hamels.  However, games are won and lost on the field.  Go Phillies!!!!

           Copywrite 2009 - BG

     Visit the new and improved

 Barry G. webstie:  asmalldoseofreality.com

By Bob Ford

Inquirer Sports Columnist

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This didn't have to happen for the Phillies, this return to the World Series, and all those people telling you to savor these moments because they are rare and fleeting are correct.

The players know it, too. They know how capricious the game can be, an injury that happens here, a trade that works out there, and no one can predict which teams will be tapped on the head by the magic wand in a given year. Teams that get this far have to be good, and the Phillies are certainly that, but they have to be lucky as well. That's why there are always sighs of relief mixed in with the whooping celebrations of the clubhouses. The game didn't decide to hate them this time around.

DAVID SWANSON / Staff Photographer

The celebration is in full swing at Citizens Bank Park after the Phillies eliminated the Dodgers in Game 5 of the NLCS on Wednesday night.

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Reminding Philadelphia fans that the baseball gods are not always kind seems unnecessary, as if two wonderful years of enjoying Charlie Manuel guide his silver ship can blot out the long seasons of watching Nick Leyva or Terry Francona crash their rudderless vessels into the rocks.

No, this is special and rare, and for further reference as the World Series approaches, it's worth wondering whatever happened to the Tampa Bay Rays, last year's opponent. The Rays, having shed the Devil from their nickname along with the demons of a losing tradition, came into the World Series billed as a young team on the rise. Maybe a little premature in their arrival at a stage that large, but definitely not out of place in those surroundings. The Rays had made it, and they weren't going anywhere soon.

Except that's not exactly the way it worked out.

This could have been the Phillies' fate when they were also a young team on the rise in 2005 or 2006, trying to find a way to build around a homegrown corps of talent. General manager Pat Gillick fussed and fiddled with the roster a lot before the tumblers of the lock fell into place. If figuring that Adam Eaton and Freddy Garcia might be the answer isn't the definition of trial and error, then perhaps it is Wes Helms and Rod Barajas.

In any case, it worked out for the Phillies and has continued to work, even as they have struggled to keep the starting rotation together with one breath only to find the bullpen falling apart with the next. The offense has been a constant, but that is because they were sharp enough to replace Pat Burrell with Raul Ibanez, and lucky enough to have Jayson Werth spectacularly complete a comeback from an injury that nearly ended his career.

With the Rays, things weren't quite as fortunate this season. Tampa Bay set team records this season in runs, home runs, extra-base hits, walks, stolen bases, and on-base percentage, and as soon as the season was over the Rays fired their hitting coach. Now, that's interesting.

One season after winning 97 games, the Rays dipped to 84-78. They came out of the box with a 9-14 April, revived through the middle of the season, but then fell apart in September after management traded away pitcher Scott Kazmir and after slugger Carlos Pena was lost to injury. In one stretch, the Rays lost 17 of 21 games, finally finishing 19 games behind the Yankees in the AL East and 11 games behind the wild-card Red Sox.

The difference between the Rays and the Phillies might be partly the difference between the AL East and the NL East, too. Stumble for a little while in Tampa Bay's division and those energy eaters from New York and Boston will leave their huge carbon footprints all over you. The Phils are in a more forgiving position, but they have to be credited for taking advantage of it, and their 93 regular-season wins are still the fourth-highest in franchise history since the turn of the century.

For the second straight season, the Phillies won't end the year making excuses, regardless of the Series outcome. You can't say the same for the Dodgers, who had the best record in the National League this season, glided past the Cardinals in the first round, but barely made a dent on the championship series.

Just as they did in 2008, the Dodgers took the five-game dismissal with a cool aplomb, which partly explains why they keep getting dismissed. Back home, where the fans are already more interested in how Kobe will blend with Andrew Bynum, there's no retribution from the town that put the LA in la-di-dah.

What would fans in Philadelphia call a good team that kept getting close but never reached the final goal? Oh, that's right. The Eagles.

There's the best reminder that these runs at the championship don't have to happen. Take a glance across the street from Citizens Bank Park at Lincoln Financial Field. If that doesn't make you savor the moment, nothing will.

Contact columnist Bob Ford

at 215-854-5842 or bford@phillynews.com. Read

his blog at http://philly.com/postpatterns.

SHALL WE HIRE A MONUMENT ENGRAVER TO GO TO ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY AND ADD THE MISSING WORDS? 

THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM AN APPALLED OBSERVER: 

Today I went to visit the new World War II Memorial in Washington , DC. I got an unexpected history lesson. Because I'm a baby boomer, I was one of the youngest in the crowd.  Most were the age of my parents, Veterans of 'the greatest war,' with their families. It was a beautiful day, and people were smiling and happy to be there. Hundreds of us milled around the memorial, reading the inspiring words of Eisenhower and Truman that are engraved there.

On the Pacific side of the memorial, a group of us gathered to read the words President Roosevelt used to announce the attack on Pearl Harbor: 

Yesterday, December 7, 1941-- a date which will live in infamy--theUnited States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked. 

One elderly woman read the words aloud: 

'With confidence in our armed forces, with the abounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph.' 

But as she read, she suddenly turned angry. 'Wait a minute,' she said, 'they left out the end of the quote. They left out the most important part.Roosevelt ended the message with 'so help us God.' 

Her husband said, 'You are probably right. We're not supposed to say things like that now.' 

'I know I'm right,' she insisted. 'I remember the speech.' The two looked dismayed,
shook their heads sadly and walked away. 

Listening to their conversation, I thought to myself, 'Well, it has been over 50 years; she's probably forgotten.' 

But she had not forgotten. She was right. 

I went home and pulled out the book my book club is reading --- 'Flags of Our Fathers' by James Bradley. It's all about the battle at Iwo Jima . 
     
 
I haven't gotten too far in the book. It's tough to read because it's a graphic description of the WWII battles in the Pacific. 

But right there it was on page 58. Roosevelt 's speech to the nation ends in 'so help us God.' 

The people who edited out that part of the speech when they engraved it on the memorial could have fooled me. I was born after the war! But they couldn't fool the people who were there.   Roosevelt 's words are engraved on their hearts. 

Now I ask: 'WHO GAVE THEM TH E RIGHT TO CHANGE THE WORDS OF HISTORY?????????' 

Ted has now been sober for 4 weeks.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

As the world responded with a mixture of surprise and amazement to the announcement of President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize, Nobel insiders revealed that the President's "beer summit" at the White House put him over the top.  "The committee was definitely split down the middle right up until the end," said Agot Valle, a Norwegian politician and member of the five-person Nobel committee.  "Some of them were still quite upset about that nasty business with the Somali pirates."

But, according to Ms. Valle, "someone brought up the beer summit, and we all agreed that that was awesome."  Ms. Valle said she hoped that Mr. Obama's victory would be seen not only as a victory for him, but "as a tribute to the healing power of beer."

Ms. Valle acknowledged that the President's win was widely considered an upset, with most pundits having expected the prize to go to Mad Men or 30 Rock.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

RK	Team	REC	CHG	High/Low	Comment
1	Giants	3-0-0	-	1/7	RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: The most complete team in the league has shown it, winning two tough division games before stifling the Bucs without Kenny Phillips (IR), Justin Tuck and Chris Canty. Through three games, the big offseason WR question has been answered by Steve Smith (23 catches, 2nd in NFL) and Mario Manningham (17 catches, T-12th in NFL). THIS WEEK: at Chiefs (0-3) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
2	Saints	3-0-0	2	2/16	RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: Make room on the bandwagon, because I'm jumping aboard. Roughing up the Lions in Week 1 was no biggie, but blasting two tough teams on the road like Philly and Buffalo to the tune of 75-29 was impressive. RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: Make room on the bandwagon, because I'm jumping aboard. Roughing up the Lions in Week 1 was no biggie, but blasting two tough teams on the road like Philly and Buffalo to the tune of 75-29 was impressive. Especially impressive is how they won against the Bills, more with running and defense instead of an aerial assault. THIS WEEK: vs. Jets (3-0) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
3	Colts	3-0-0	6	3/10	RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: Watch out for Peyton Manning this season. He only needed 15 minutes with the ball to beat the defending AFC East champion Dolphins in Week 2 before carving up the reigning NFC champion Cardinals in Week 3. RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: Watch out for Peyton Manning this season. He only needed 15 minutes with the ball to beat the defending AFC East champion Dolphins in Week 2 before carving up the reigning NFC champion Cardinals in Week 3. Granted, he may need to keep firing four TDs each game with Dwight Freeney hurt, but Manning is coming off an MVP season when he carried his team and seems poised to do it again. THIS WEEK: vs. Seahawks (1-2) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
4	Eagles	2-1-0	3	3/7	BETTER THAN RECORD: The Eagles have a look of a team that could rest up and get healthy during the bye week, then start putting all of their juicy pieces together and reel off a string of wins in a hurry. BETTER THAN RECORD: The Eagles have a look of a team that could rest up and get healthy during the bye week, then start putting all of their juicy pieces together and reel off a string of wins in a hurry. Coming off last week's win over K.C. and this week's bye, Philly faces Tampa, Oakland and Washington (combined 2-7) before hitting the meat of their schedule — giving Andy Reid some games to start tinkering with new toy Mike Vick. THIS WEEK: Bye Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
5	Jets	3-0-0	-	5/21	WORSE THAN RECORD: Are the Jets a big tease, overrated and destined for a major fade? No. They will challenge for a playoff spot and the AFC East title. But Mark Sanchez will have a few rookie moments before he's through this season and the Jets still haven't faced any major road test ... WORSE THAN RECORD: Are the Jets a big tease, overrated and destined for a major fade? No. They will challenge for a playoff spot and the AFC East title. But Mark Sanchez will have a few rookie moments before he's through this season and the Jets still haven't faced any major road test ... until Week 4, that is. Tune in next week. THIS WEEK: at Saints (3-0) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
6	Patriots	2-1-0	-	2/6	RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: It turns out there was no reason to freak out after all over the Pats' sluggish first couple games. Instead, Bill Belichick had to realize that the 2009 Patriots were not the "bombs away" 2007 version, at least not yet as Tom Brady shakes his cobwebs from missing most of 2008. RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: It turns out there was no reason to freak out after all over the Pats' sluggish first couple games. Instead, Bill Belichick had to realize that the 2009 Patriots were not the "bombs away" 2007 version, at least not yet as Tom Brady shakes his cobwebs from missing most of 2008. After 100 passes in Brady's first two games back, Emperor Bill dialed up the running game perfectly last week vs. Atlanta. THIS WEEK: vs. Ravens (3-0) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps
7	Ravens	3-0-0	3	7/12	RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: The Ravens were one of my favorite teams heading into this season. So why were they ranked 10th in last week's rankings with Joe Flacco's AFC-best scoring offense so improved? This defense giving up 50 points in the first two games without Rex Ryan calling plays was unnerving, so it was nice to see the normal Ravens defense back last week. RECORD IS JUST RIGHT: The Ravens were one of my favorite teams heading into this season. So why were they ranked 10th in last week's rankings with Joe Flacco's AFC-best scoring offense so improved? This defense giving up 50 points in the first two games without Rex Ryan calling plays was unnerving, so it was nice to see the normal Ravens defense back last week. Of course, it was against the Browns, too. Baltimore's next three games will be the true test (at NE, vs. CIN, at MIN). THIS WEEK: at Patriots (2-1) Team: Home | Stats | Fantasy | Schedule | Apps   Copywrite 2009 - BG Check out the official Barry G. website

"We cannot allow the American flag to be shot at anywhere on earth if we are to retain our respect and prestige" - Barry Goldwater

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away."  - Barry Goldwater

What a load of horseshit

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

"To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable."  -  Barry Goldwater

It seems to me that there is a sudden influx of disagreeable people here at bloghi.com that beginning of which started with the recent reemergence of "Gunrunner".  You, sir, are kindly invited to say if you can apologize for your behavior, behave in a civilized fashion henceforth or otherwise GTF out now.

BG

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying. 

...he said  "Canned Goods and Ammunition".

Copywrite 2009 - BG
Check out the official Barry G. website

    "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help 
  everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, 
 keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings 
 of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren,
     hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense    
  guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other 
 liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole
    lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they   
                       require a Bill of NON-Rights."                    
                                                                 
                                                                          
                                                                                                   
  ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any 
  other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, 
                    but no one is guaranteeing anything.                    
                                                                                                  
                                                                            
 ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.. This country 
 is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! 
   You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,  
    etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.     
                                                                                                     
                                                                            
 ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick 
   a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the  
     tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently    
                                  wealthy.                                  
                                                                                                            
                                                                            
 ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans 
 are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
   need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after  
  generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than  
     the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.     
                                                                                                        
                                                                            
  ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be  
  nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in 
                            public health care.                             
                                                                                                              
                                                                            
 ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If 
 you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised 
        if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.        
                                                                                                                     
                                                                            
  ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If  
  you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens,  
  don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a 
  place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a 
                              life of leisure.                              
                                                                                                                   
                                                                            
 ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you 
 to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
   you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational  
         training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)          
                                                                                                              
                                                                            
  ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness... Being an American  
 means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a 
  lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws  
      created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.      
                                                                                                           
                                                                            
  ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you  
   are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you  
                                 came from!                                
                                                                           
                                (Lastly....)                                
                                                                            
                                                                                                            
  ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or 
 heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet,
   you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no  
  faith at all; with no fear of persecution The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is  
  part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it,  
                                   TOUGH!       

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills ... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ." .

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?" 

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?" 

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Just hours after her husband Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for masterminding a $50 billion Ponzi scheme, Ruth Madoff expressed shock and dismay at her husband's behavior, telling reporters, "This is not the man I owned nine homes with."  "When you spend hundreds of millions of dollars with someone, you think you know him," she said.  "I guess I was wrong."  Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

In a nationally televised speech in Iran today, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei ordered his countrymen not to stage further protests, warning the nation, "I am following you all on Twitter."  To back up his words, the Supreme Leader then displayed his Twitter account page, showing that he was indeed following 65,875,224 people, but had only one follower, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The Ayatollah's announcement sent a chill up the spines of opposition leaders, most of whom assumed that the Supreme Leader did not have a Twitter account.  "You mean he's been reading all my tweets?" said opposition organizer Mohsen Sobhi.  "Oh, shit."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

''Life's tough.......it's even tougher if you're stupid.''    -- John Wayne

Think about it.  Those who succeed do and those who don't are stupid lazy jackasses.

As he embarks on a crucial "date night" with his wife Michelle, President Barack Obama said today that he is "cautiously optimistic" about the outcome.  "Let's be clear: you never go into one of these things knowing how it's going to turn out," Mr. Obama told reporters.  "But Michelle has given me glimmers of hope."  Mr. Obama said that he and his wife have had only informal talks about what will happen on their date night and that there are "no preconditions."  "Hopefully, we will find common ground," Mr. Obama said.

With his busy schedule permitting him only one date night per week, the pressure is on Mr. Obama to make each one count, according to one White House source who was involved in the planning of this week's date night.  "There's enormous pressure on the President," the source said.  "The whole world is watching."  But Mr. Obama was careful to brush off such talk, stressing that this date night is just one of many date nights to come.

"This is a marathon, not a sprint," he said.  "You just need to stay at it, and sooner or later, you get lucky."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In what is being called a historic deal between the United States government and a major broadcast network, prisoners at the detention camp in Guantanamo were transferred today to the CBS reality series "Big Brother."  The history-making arrangement drew praise from Senate Democrats, who had earlier blocked the closing of the detention camp, and from CBS executives, who had been desperately searching for something to spice up their fall schedule.

"We wanted to be sure that these terror suspects were someplace where they could be constantly monitored," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  "And we could think of no better place than the ‘Big Brother' house, which has a camera in every room."  Moments after the deal was struck, terror suspects from Gitmo were flown to Manhattan so that  they could take part in CBS'  splashy "upfront" presentation for advertisers at Radio City Music Hall.

In welcoming the terror suspects to the CBS family, network boss Les Moonves brushed aside criticism that he was harboring jihadists: "Only one out of seven of them are."  For his part, Sen. Reid said that the Senate Democrats accepted CBS' offer for the detainees after turning down a competing bid from NBC, who had hoped to build a sitcom around them in the style of "The Office."  "There were too many security concerns about putting them on NBC," Sen. Reid said.  "Nobody would be watching them."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich accused Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor today of faking a broken ankle in order to get sympathy votes during her Senate confirmation.  "She's only wearing that fake cast to help her rack up votes," Mr. Gingrich said.  "The minute she's confirmed, she'll whip it off and start dancing a jig."  While Ms. Sotomayor reportedly broke her ankle while rushing to catch a plane, the former House Speaker said, "The fake-ankle-cast thing is the oldest trick in the book."

Mr. Gingrich said that if Ms. Sotomayor was counting on arousing the empathy of Republican senators by faking a broken ankle, she was "sorely mistaken."  "Ms. Sotomayor needs to brush up on her law," he said.  "Last time I checked, empathy was unconstitutional."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Dogged by photographers in the days leading up to the "Britain's Got Talent" finale, singing sensation Susan Boyle (left) has taken to wearing an elaborate disguise to throw the paparazzi off her scent.  In an official statement, Ms. Boyle said, "In my new get-up I am well-nigh unrecognizable, so I hope that this will do the trick," adding that the new disguise involves prosthetics and make-up that require hours to apply.  Ms. Boyle added that in order to go undetected, "When I'm out and about I will refrain from ear-splitting renditions of Andrew Lloyd Webber songs."

But Ms. Boyle's hopes to remain incognito were dashed this morning during a trip to the supermarket, during which she was mobbed by photographers hoping to snap her picture.  A flustered Ms. Boyle said that in her new disguise, the paparazzi seemed to mistake her for someone else.  "Who in heaven's name is the Octomom?" she asked. 

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In what many are describing as an upset victory of unprecedented proportions, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins last night to win the 2009 Stanley Cup, Iran's Interior Ministry announced today.  According to the ministry, which Mr. Ahmadinejad runs, the Iranian hard-liner defeated the Penguins by a score of 6-0, scoring two hat tricks in the victory.

But Penguins star Evgeni Malkin immediately disputed Mr. Ahmadinejad's claim, arguing that the Iranian president did not even appear in the game.  Mr. Ahmadinejad scoffed at Mr. Malkin's charge, stating, "He's just pissed that I was named MVP."  The Iranian president took time out from celebrating his Stanley Cup win to announce that he had just been named Poet Laureate of England.

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

Former president George W. Bush has let it be known that he is available to speak on the corporate lecture circuit for $150,000 and will be willing to speak in English for $1.5 million.  Tracy Klugian, Mr. Bush's agent and head of the Ex-Presidential Speakers Bureau, explained the disparity in fees: "He is charging ten times as much to speak in English because it requires ten times the effort."  Mr. Bush came to the decision to charge the higher rate for speaking in English after an appearance in Toronto last week with former President Bill Clinton, an experience which he found "draining."

"President Bush didn't realize he was expected to speak in English at the event, since it was in Canada," his agent explained.  Mr. Klugian said that despite the lofty fee, he had already fielded several offers from corporations who would like to hear the former President speak in English: "I think it's the novelty factor."  But the President's agent said he has had to politely decline requests to have Mr. Bush speak in complete sentences: "I tell them, ‘Thanks, but you can't afford that.'"

Copywrite 2009 - BG

Check out the official Barry G. website

In his first major trip to the Middle East since taking the oath of office, President Barack Obama today presented Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah with a 2009 Chevy Malibu.  While it is highly unorthodox for a U.S. president to present a foreign leader with a midsized automobile, Mr. Obama was upbeat during the presentation, telling the Saudi monarch, "If you like it, there's plenty more where that came from."

Mr. Obama touted the Malibu's "fantastic gas mileage," adding, "not that you'd have any trouble getting gas around here."  White House sources said that they hoped Mr. Obama's goodwill gesture would also serve to promote the American auto industry, or as one source put it, "If King Abdullah likes the Malibu, maybe he'll give one to each of his wives.  That'll help make room for the 2010's."

But the Saudi king seemed to be skeptical of the gift, hesitating a moment as Mr. Obama handed him the keys.  "Is it going to be hard to get parts for this?" he asked.

One day after North Korea launched a successful test of a nuclear weapon, President Obama said that the United States was prepared to respond to the threat with "the strongest possible adjectives."  In remarks to reporters at the White House, Mr. Obama said that North Korea should fear the "full force and might of the United States' arsenal of adjectives" and called the missile test "reckless, reprehensible, objectionable, senseless, egregious and condemnable."

Standing at the President's side, Vice President Joseph Biden weighed in with some tough adjectives of his own, branding North Korean President Kim Jong-Il "totally wack and illin'."  Later in the day, Defense Secretary Robert Gates called the North Korean nuclear test "supercilious and jejune," leading some in diplomatic circles to worry that the U.S. might be running out of appropriate adjectives with which to craft its response.

But President Obama attempted to calm those fears, saying that the United States was prepared to "scour the thesaurus" to come up with additional adjectives and was "prepared to use adverbs" if necessary.  "Let's be clear: we are not taking adverbs off the table," Mr. Obama said.  "If the need arises, we will use them forcefully, aggressively, swiftly, overwhelmingly and commandingly."

Copywrite 2009 - BG

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In its boldest move yet to cut costs, NBC announced today that it would produce only one episode of its new "Jay Leno Show" and rerun it until someone notices.  The new Leno program, whose scheduling every weeknight at 10 was heralded as a way for NBC to reduce programming expenses, had originally been conceived as a series that would have an original episode every night.  But after looking at the network's ailing balance sheet, NBC chairman Jeff Zucker decided to greenlight what some within the network have called "the nuclear option": producing only one episode and rerunning it ad infinitum.

"To many Americans, Jay Leno is their favorite comfort food," Mr. Zucker said.  "We can think of nothing more comforting than offering them the opportunity to watch the same episode of Jay's show over and over and over again."  Mr. Zucker confirmed that the network downsized the order of the new Leno show after conducting focus groups revealing that viewers were equally satisfied after watching the same episode of "Law & Order" ten times in a row as they were after watching ten different episodes.  "In retrospect, we could have just ordered one episode of ‘Law and Order' all those years," Mr. Zucker said.  "That means we bought 4,000 episodes we really didn't need." 

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Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich lashed out today at the current Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, calling the congresswoman unfit to be Speaker of the House "because she's not a good enough liar."  Mr. Gingrich, in an appearance on ABC's "Good Morning America," said that the ability to lie seamlessly is the most important qualification for the job of Speaker, adding, "I've been in the job and I should know."  The former Speaker issued the following ultimatum to Rep. Pelosi: "She needs to get better at lying, or step down."

Mr. Gingrich offered a brutal, blow-by-blow criticism of the House Speaker's lying technique, which he said consists of "pauses, ums and uhs, stuttering - all the hallmarks of an amateur."  In contrast, he said, "When I was in her chair my lying was as smooth as a baby's bottom."  He added that if Rep. Pelosi is serious about remaining in her position, he would be "more than willing" to give her lying lessons.  "Being a good liar requires practice," Mr. Gingrich said.  "Fortunately for me, I had years of practice lying to my many wives."

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In a sign that he has no intention of going away quietly, former Vice President Dick Cheney embarked today on a nationwide road trip in a sound truck equipped with a state-of-the-art bullhorn.  The formerly reclusive Mr. Cheney has been a ubiquitous fixture on Sunday talk shows and right-wing radio programs in recent weeks, but his decision to tour the nation in a 2000-watt sound truck shows a heightened determination to spread his pro-torture message from coast to coast.

According to aides to the former vice president, Mr. Cheney had briefly considered starring in an IMAX film called "The Dick Cheney 3-D Experience" before settling on the less costly sound truck idea.  But Mr. Cheney's "Pro-torture Tour '09" has not managed to skirt controversy thus far, as the former Vice President has already had to contend with grievances about the noise levels produced by his high-wattage truck.

Residents of the town of Keene, New Hampshire were awakened at 5 AM this morning by a familiar voice blaring, "We're less safe than we were under the last administration.  Run for your lives!"  As townsfolk rubbed their eyes, Mr. Cheney's voice could be heard extolling waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques.  For his part, a buoyant Mr. Cheney brushed off complaints from the New Hampshire citizens that he had disturbed the peace with his early-morning rant: "All this proves is that sleep deprivation works."

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A mood of tension has gripped the White House in recent days as President Obama prepares himself for a new round of criticism from one of the nation's most powerful and influential constituencies: pajama-wearing Internet users who post anonymous comments on liberal blogs.  In the West Wing, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel has set up a high-tech "war room" to monitor the blog comments from the President's basement-dwelling critics, postings which one White House source said could be "really mean" in the days ahead.  "It's no secret that the President is very worried about what these anonymous blog-commenters might be typing over the next few days," said the source.  "They are very angry, and they have a lot of time on their hands."

The source said that the pajama-wearing chorus could grow louder this week "because most of them have already seen Star Trek and they're back in front of their keyboards."  Some of them are so furious they're not even stopping to use spell-check," he added.  LiberalCatGirrrrl999, a former Obama supporter who has turned on him in recent days, said that the President ignores her irate, long-winded blog comments at his peril.  "There's been so much emphasis on the influence of liberal bloggers, the White House has ignored where the real power is: anonymous blog commenters," she says.  "Hold on, my mom is yelling at me from upstairs."

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Just hours after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin voiced her support for embattled Miss California Carrie Prejean, Biblical scholars noted that the alliance between the former and present beauty queens is prophesied in the Holy Scriptures.  While many observers have called the Palin-Prejean link-up predictable, few suspected that it was in fact predicted in The Book of Revelations.

"The unholy alliance between Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean is explicitly stated in the Book of Revelations as a harbinger of the End of Days," said the reverend Dr. Davis Logsdon, Dean of the University of Minnesota's School of Divinity.  "They're right in there, after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."  But Dr. Logsdon was quick to point out that the first person to notice the Palin-Prejean reference in the Bible's book of prophecy was actually the sixteenth-century seer Nostradamus, legendary for his predictive powers.

According to Dr. Logsdon, in 1555 Nostradamus predicted the alliance between the two right-wing beauties when he wrote, "The slayer of beasts shall meet the barer of breasts."  When asked whether the alliance between Gov. Palin and Miss California means that the world is about to end, Dr. Logsdon was unequivocal: "That would be the best-case scenario."

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Paramount Pictures, which is releasing the latest Star Trek movie this Friday, is hoping for record box office returns, fueled by a big turnout from the movie franchise's core audience: virgins.  While the studio has high hopes for the movie's success with the general audience, it is taking great paints to target the group that has flocked to every previous Star Trek film, and that means reaching out to people who have never come close to having sex.

"There is already a terrific buzz about this movie among virgins online," said Paramount distribution spokesman Tracy Klujian.  "The good news for us is, virgins spend a lot of time online."  While Paramount admits that it has done its homework to reach America's virgins, conducting audience testing and focus groups with moviegoers who have never been on a date, they are not taking the virgin audience for granted.  "There are so many things competing for virgins' attention in the marketplace," he said.  "Not just the Internet, but computer games, comic books, and Transformers 2."

Zach Sussberg, 24, a virgin in Flint, Michigan, said that he had cleared out his entire weekend to make sure that he sees the new Star Trek film.  "Everybody says that this new Star Trek is better than sex," he said.  "But hey, I wouldn't know."  Interestingly, Paramount's Klujian said that the studio is not targeting moviegoers involved in the abstinence movement: "Let's face it, those kids are having more sex than anybody."

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The national pastime suffered another black eye last night when a mob of irate Cleveland Indians fans poured onto the diamond at Progressive Field to demand that their team take steroids.  Displeasure with the championship-starved squad reached a boiling point with the news that slugger Manny Ramirez took performance-enhancing drugs - but only after leaving the Indians.

When asked by ESPN if he ingested the banned medication while playing for Cleveland, Mr. Ramirez shrugged his shoulders and replied, "What would be the point of that?"  Mr. Ramirez is just the latest in a long line of baseball players who have refused to take steroids while playing for the Indians, says fan Chuck Goulardi, 49, the leader of last night's protest.  "Manny's comment was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back," says Mr. Goulardi, who has seen his ‘roid-free Tribe fall to their juiced-up competition more times than he can recall.  "These players are paid good money, and all we're asking them to do is take one measly shot in the ass."

But getting the Indians to start taking steroids may be easier said than done, ays former slugger Jose Canseco, the author of the controversial tell-all book Juiced.  "On more than forty occasions I sneaked into the Cleveland clubhouse, offering to shoot those guys up with ‘roids," says Mr. Canseco. "No takers."  Last night's melee was only the latest display of dissatisfaction on the part of Cleveland fans, who earlier this season demanded that the giant TV screen on the outfield scoreboard show a different game.

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CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period.  CNN said that its early reporting of the swine flu story had been contained to one or two hours a day but had recently increased to all twenty-four hours.

"This is an alarming spread in the reporting of this story," said Carol Foyler, a CNN spokesperson.  "We have seen swine flu spread from primetime to all the other day parts."  Ms. Foyler said that in recent days CNN had identified several cases of "increasingly scary graphics and fonts" about swine flu during its news programs.  "These scary graphics are popping up everywhere in greater and greater numbers," she said.  "These are signs that the swine flu coverage is growing more intense and virulent."

The CNN spokesperson said that news host Lou Dobbs had even taken time out from fear-mongering about immigration to fear-monger about swine flu: "This is an unprecedented development."  Even as CNN reported that its broadcasting of the swine flu story was on the rise, there was evidence that intense cases of swine flu reporting had spread from CNN to MSNBC.  "We have also seen several cases of panic-inducing graphics and terrifying fonts," said MSNBC spokesman Terry McTate.  "I don't want to frighten people, but we haven't seen a story this scary since Y2K."

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Taking his most urgent action to date since cases of swine flu were first reported, President Barack Obama today ordered an emergency quarantine of Vice President Joe Biden.  Mr. Biden was in the middle of giving a wide-ranging television interview on swine flu preparedness when he was seized by representatives of the Department of Homeland Security and placed in quarantine.

"I'll tell you this, if I thought I might catch swine flu by going to work or a movie or the mall or something like that, I sure as heck wouldn't -" Mr. Biden was saying when he was abruptly yanked away from the microphone.  According to President Obama, the vice president will be kept in a sealed box away from television cameras and microphones "until we are certain that the danger is passed."  "There is no clear scientific proof that swine flu can be spread by television cameras or microphones," Mr. Obama said.  "But it's better to be safe than sorry."

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In a move that stunned both political allies and foes alike, President Barack Obama resigned today after serving 100 days in office, telling the White House press corps, "It's all downhill from here."  The reporters seemed stunned by the President's decision in light of the fawning media coverage he received during his first 100 days, but the hyperbolic nature of that reportage, ironically, may have been the prime motivator behind Mr. Obama's shocking move.

"Let's face it, I'm not going to get better coverage than I have to date," he said.  "The only guy with a higher approval rating is that dude who landed the plane on the Hudson - or maybe that other dude who escaped from those pirates."  Mr. Obama may have a point, as current polls show that the only Americans with higher approval ratings are members of his immediate family.  According to the latest University of Minnesota/Opinion Research Institute survey, Mr. Obama's 67% approval rating is topped by First Lady Michelle Obama at 84%, with daughters Sasha and Malia and dog Bo tied at 98%.

Even the President's little-known half-brother George Obama, who resides in Nairobi, Kenya, garnered a 73% thumbs-up in the poll.  As the press corps reeled from the news of Mr. Obama's resignation, one White House source suggested that the First Lady may have been behind the decision: "Around Day 95 or so, Michelle was running out of wardrobe changes."  At the Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts said that he stood ready to swear in the nation's new chief executive, whom he called "President Biden R. Joseph."  Mr. Biden is scheduled to deliver his Inaugural address on Friday at noon and wrap it up sometime late Sunday.

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Responding to the furor over the Republican Party's opposition to pandemic preparedness funding in the recent stimulus bill, GOP leaders came forward today to reaffirm the party's pro-swine position.  "The Republican Party has traditionally been the pro-swine party," said GOP strategist Karl Rove on Fox News.  "This is a moment in our history when everyone must ask themselves: Are you with the pigs, or are you against them?"

Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) also voiced her solidarity with swine, telling reporters in Anchorage, "The only difference between a pitbull and a pig is lipstick."  Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), one of the staunchest opponents of pandemic preparedness spending, said that the public should ignore the "scare tactics" of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and "go about their normal business with pigs."

Rove agreed, telling Fox's Sean Hannity, "I think it's the pinnacle of hypocrisy that the same forces on the left who support same-sex marriage are now trying to limit our contact with pigs, which is the most normal thing in the world, and one of the most beautiful."

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In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.  In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.  "This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night. 

The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding.  I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship.  It's certainly something Lynne and I share."  But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture fan page - only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date - the vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding fans.

"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin.  "I'd feel like someone was always watching me."  At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking.  That's my job now."

In a move signaling his most direct involvement in the U.S. auto industry to date, President Barack Obama announced today that he was opening a Chevrolet dealership on the White House lawn.  As car-carriers dumped hundreds of unsold 2009 Malibus, Silverados and Cobalts onto the grass in front of the President's historic residence, workmen draped a banner in front of the White House portico reading "Buy a Chevrolet from the USA."

Another crew of workers were busy erecting a new sign in front of the White House reading "Barry's Auto City," the name of Mr. Obama's dealership.  In a new TV ad broadcast nationwide, the president was seen wearing an Uncle Sam costume and telling the American people, "We are slashing prices on 2009 Chevys to make room for the 2010s, if there still are Chevys by then."

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said that all Cabinet members were taking turns running the dealership, and that Vice-President Joe Biden was manning the customer service hotline.  Customers calling the hotline complained that wait times were as long as thirty minutes and that Mr. Biden was overly chatty, but Mr. Emanuel stressed that the customer service department was "a work in progress."

He added that once President's Chevy dealership is up and running, Mr. Obama will open a Chrysler dealership next to it.  "This will be your last chance to get a low, low price on a Chrysler before it turns into a Fiat," he said.

The success of singer Susan Boyle on the reality show "Britain's Got Talent" has caused both television networks and their viewers to reconsider the intrinsic value of ugly people, media experts say.  In living rooms around the world as well as in the executive suites of media giants, those exposed to the Susan Boyle phenomenon are grappling with the paradox - thought impossible up until now - that an ugly person could be talented.  In New York, NBC chief Jeff Zucker confirmed that his network was "seriously considering" lifting its official ban against featuring unattractive people on the air.

"For years, the letters NBC have stood for ‘No Butt-ugly Characters,'" Mr. Zucker said.  "We're beginning to re-think that."  Jenifer Genterson, a news anchor from Abilene, Texas, is just one of a chorus of beautiful TV talking heads who have been startled and inspired by the surprising presence of talent in an ugly person.  "In the TV business, we're told that beauty is everything," Ms. Genterson said.  "But Susan Boyle has shown us that ugly people have the right to live, too."

But Professor Logsdon, who studies the rare occurrences of ugly people in the media at the University of Minnesota's School of Communications, warns that the isolated example of Ms. Boyle may give ugly people around the world too much hope.  "The fact is, only one in a million ugly people will ever get on TV," said Professor Logsdon.  "Most of them will wind up in academia."

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Experts Warn of ‘Douchebag Drain'.   As the federal government moves to institute salary caps for Wall Street executives, an increasing number of assholes are seeking employment elsewhere, a study confirmed today.

According to the report commissioned by the University of Minnesota's School of Business, at a time when the economy needs experienced hands at the tiller, some of the financial world's best-trained dickwads are fleeing the ship.  And if the trend continues, the study warns, Wall Street could soon be facing a "douchebag drain" as top buttholes migrate to other countries and industries.  "There is no question that our company is losing some of its most valued assholes," says Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis.  "I have tried to convince them to stay, but how do you reason with them?  After all, they're assholes."

At Blarney O'Malley's, a popular watering hole catering to Wall Street traders, prominent assholes congregated after work last week to ponder the career options facing douchcicles today.  "When I graduated from B-school in '98, you could write your own ticket," said Dirk Bendelson, a veteran asshole from Stamford, Connecticut.  "It was a glorious time to be a mofo."  Mr. Bendelson said he was considering using his Wall Street experience to pursue a career that would not be subject to regulation or salary caps: "I'm thinking of becoming a pirate."

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