a small dose of reality

In what he hoped would be the capstone to his eight years as President, George W. Bush today signed an executive order repealing the English language.

Scrawling his name on the official document, Mr. Bush said that in abolishing English he had vanquished his "greaterest enemy."

For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar.

The President followed up that declaration of war in 2003 when he signed an executive order cancelling the agreement between nouns and verbs.

Mr. Bush's decision to repeal the English language could complicate matters for his successor, President-elect Barack Obama, who is scheduled to deliver his inaugural address tomorrow, presumably in English.

But thoughts of Mr. Obama seemed far away during today's jubilant Oval Office ceremony, which Mr. Bush summed up in four words: "I can has legacy."

Mr. Bush's executive offer also drew high praise from a fellow Republican, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska: "Being that the English language can and has been used in confusing and also too in harming ordinary Americans, knowing that it no longer can or will be used in doing that is something positive that this is doing also."

When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most ass-kissed president in the nation's history, some historians believe.

Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his ass for months, the President-elect's buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.

"Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country's greatest president," says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals,  "but he never had his fanny kissed like this."

At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration "to administer one long, glorious blowjob to President-elect Barack Obama."

The network's new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, "Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?"

At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.

"You people never kissed my hiney like you're kissing his, and you know it," Mr. Bush said.  "As far as I'm concerned, you bastards can all go to hell."

Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.

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