a small dose of reality

In a sign that he has no intention of going away quietly, former Vice President Dick Cheney embarked today on a nationwide road trip in a sound truck equipped with a state-of-the-art bullhorn.  The formerly reclusive Mr. Cheney has been a ubiquitous fixture on Sunday talk shows and right-wing radio programs in recent weeks, but his decision to tour the nation in a 2000-watt sound truck shows a heightened determination to spread his pro-torture message from coast to coast.

According to aides to the former vice president, Mr. Cheney had briefly considered starring in an IMAX film called "The Dick Cheney 3-D Experience" before settling on the less costly sound truck idea.  But Mr. Cheney's "Pro-torture Tour '09" has not managed to skirt controversy thus far, as the former Vice President has already had to contend with grievances about the noise levels produced by his high-wattage truck.

Residents of the town of Keene, New Hampshire were awakened at 5 AM this morning by a familiar voice blaring, "We're less safe than we were under the last administration.  Run for your lives!"  As townsfolk rubbed their eyes, Mr. Cheney's voice could be heard extolling waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques.  For his part, a buoyant Mr. Cheney brushed off complaints from the New Hampshire citizens that he had disturbed the peace with his early-morning rant: "All this proves is that sleep deprivation works."

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Furious about what they see as negative media stereotypes about waterboarding, a group representing the nation’s waterboarders marched on Washington today.

The group, which calls itself the National Association of Waterboarders and Controlled Drowners, is the largest organization of its kind, representing over 20,000 of the nation’s waterboarders.

Waterboarders across the country have silently seethed for the past week as members of the Senate Judiciary Committee grilled Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey about his views on the controversial interrogation technique.

But after several days of hearing senators repeatedly denigrate the practice on national television, waterboarders “have had enough,” said Carol Foyler, executive director of the waterboarders’ group.

“When senators use the words ‘controlled drowning,’ people ignore the ‘controlled’ part and focus on the ‘drowning’ part,” Ms. Foyler said. “As someone who spent years of training to become a licensed waterboarder, I’m deeply offended by this.”

Braving chilly November temperatures to make their point about the media’s negative stereotyping of them, the angry torturers got some moral support when one of their most prominent advocates, Vice President Dick Cheney, emerged from his secure undisclosed location to address them.

The vice president received a thunderous ovation from the crowd when he proposed that the government earmark $1.6 billion to improve the media image of waterboarding and waterboarders.

“There’s nothing wrong with waterboarding that a little public relations makeover wouldn’t fix,” the vice president told the crowd. “For starters, why not call it dunking?”

Copywrite 2007  -  Barry G.